some things I jotted down so that I wouldn't lose them...
when I drove to the meeting, along a newly paved highway, a young man in faded blue work jeans and a white work shirt napped on his tractor, parked in that space between, the protection barrier, the large pine trees and other growth meant to be both a buffer and eye candy. A deep gray shadow lay over his sleeping, draped legs, splayed casually over the side of his machine. A large pine held a hand up to the sun to block it from disturbing him. It was near lunch time, and he would rather consume the peace of rest than food. His chosen spot for this sleep was making me wonder how much attention is given to the safe spots we hold inside ourselves; do we have to pick up litter and trim tree branches in our mental safetey zones? It also made me realize that safety zones can be like this... right in the middle of chaos. The highway divider, the eye of a hurricane, the core of a tornado. A calm, safe spot right in the center. But it can't protect one from everything...
and I saw just that on the ride home, which only made me think harder about it as I witnessed the minutes-later aftermath of a serious accident in the spotlight glare of the almost-sunset, I could hear pieces of metal still falling from the vehicle. I was not shocked to read the driver had died... and I was not shocked to see she was the same exact age as me, either. I knew even as I saw her things scattered along the jet-black highway, clothes and books and notebooks. Large pieces of glass, so big I wondered if something besides windows broke, it didn't even look like windshield glass, so sharp and jagged.
5.) Conn. woman perished in accident near bridgeAuthor: CAPE COD TIMESPublish Date: September 24, 2004Word Count: 228Document ID: 1055149DE1A8B7F1
SAGAMORE - State police have released the name of the woman who was killed in the single-car accident Wednesday afternoon on Route 6 near Exit 1.
Heather Smith, 36, of East Haven, Conn., was behind the wheel of a 2002 Chevrolet Trailblazer sport utility vehicle, heading west on Route 6, at the time of the crash.
Investigators say speed was likely a factor as Smith approached the Sagamore Bridge and lost control of the vehicle.
6.) Route 6 rollover kills driverAuthor: ERIC WILLIAMSPublish Date: September 23, 2004Word Count: 274Document ID: 1054C3870E21BDA5
BOURNE - One person was killed and another suffered life-threatening injuries in a one-vehicle rollover accident on Route 6 yesterday afternoon.
State police said the accident occurred shortly after 4:20 p.m. on the westbound side of the highway, just before Exit 1. According to state police, the driver of a 2002 Chevrolet Trailblazer sport utility vehicle apparently lost control of the vehicle while traveling in the left lane.
I feel I should go to her graveside and cry until I can no longer cry. In my head, when I try to force a different ending on this, I see the sleeping man on the tractor saving her life, carrying her from the wreckage, her head gently pressed against his chest, and I can see her mouth the words "thank you..." and I see love in both of their eyes. And I have always felt love could solve any problem, protect anyone from anything.
I know now that love can not fix some things. I knew at the meeting. I knew at the scene of that accident. I knew all along, I suspect, but just wanted love to be that strong and capable.
Love can not sooth all wounds. Love can not make everything better. Not everyone responds to love.
Not everyone responds to love.
And speaking of love... In his eyes I felt a familiarity and I then got a huge jolt of love from my heart to him. Who was he... stranger from New York. No stranger glance in his eyes into mine. He knows me and I know him, but he would not say. He just bought a round of drinks for our table... I have guesses as to who it was, but I am not sure I'd be right about any of them. It could even be that he was a stranger... stranger things have happened in my life to me. Like having an Orlando-Bloom looking waiter for the whole night... and shoving twenty dollars down his underwear and wishing I could just take him into a back room for a wall fuck.
At work the other day, to change the subject quickly and abruptly so I do not think too much about the love and sexuality of a night full of mental debauchery, three Ford Model A's were parked at the gas pumps the other day at work. The couples driving around in them were fun loving and happy go lucky as could be. It was the coolest thing to gaze out the window and see three of these right in a row:
http://www.eurasia85.be/test/nieuweversiefotoalbum/ford%20model%20a%201930.jpg
There's other things to write about, but I have to get started on the painting. Delay upon delay with it has made me more anxious to get it done. I want to put up the Halloween decorations next week, so the ceilings have to get done this week in order for that to happen. Autumn is here completely... this morning Winter caught a leaf as it fell from a tree at the bus stop. KC brought his costume to school for 'share', a thing his classroom does each week where students are asked to share anything exciting and new from their lives. I found out something I didn't know about KC this past week; he loves to read about world records. It intrigues him and I'm wondering if he has plans to break some records in his lifetime. I'm positive he could.
Gronk just messaged me, so I will end it here. :wave:
Monday, September 27, 2004
Thursday, September 23, 2004
The meeting went better than great; it went extremely, amazingly fantastic. I am spending the day recouping from the intense outflow of 'whew, ok, now things seem to be going in a more positive, constructive, logical way...'
I don't think there's a soul that was at that meeting that isn't feeling as mentally drained as I am. There are still a lot of things to be sorted out, but at the very least the situation and facts have spoken for themselves and it is now very clear that a more definitive and clinical path will be taken.
:insert angry cuss word here: !!!!!! Six pounds of paperwork between 1998 and now to get here... but we are finally almost here, and at least now it's heading in the right direction rather than the limbo of indecision and the politics of it all. There's still a little bit of limbo to wade through, but the waters feel more tolerable and warm. The facts will do that... bring clarity to an issue, make it feel more manageable.
I'm doing what I do best to recoup... I'm cleaning. Like a goofball... great tunes on softly, Butterfly Boucher and Sheryl Crow and Jane's Addiction, light blue clothes, doors open so I can hear those leaves in the windy gusts and smell of autumn as it casually strolls around in the air.
Nikki conned ten bucks off me, I'd given her 20 on Saturday... I asked her who her dealer was inside the joint, and we laughed. : ) Granted, the laughs we had were strewn in-between a lot of tears over this, but she's a strong, determined young woman and I am so very proud of her for keeping her goals clear and her sense of humor intact.
Still a long road to go... next week I plan to send copies of the documents that show errors in judgment and professional protocol to the many supervisors of the many cacaheads involved in this obnoxious chain of events that led to so many wrong choices by so many various agencies, both insurance-wise and mental health wise. I alerted everyone at the meeting of this, which I believe is at least half the reason things went as good as they did. The other half of the reason is that the facts were indisputable. Try as they would to fumble around direct questions, when asked outright about things like diagnosis and behavior/thought concerns, it became very clear that the system is not working and they are no closer to anything. It's all been nothing but a risky guessing game and they absolutely lost at the expense of Nikki's emotional stability, who clearly let everyone know she does not know what is happening or how to stop it/control it.
Most parents are, I can relate, so mentally drained I can imagine most will submit to the lunacy of the current field of mental health. I refused and I refuse to allow it, and I'm not the first, thank gosh, and will be teaming up with those groups when all of this is over. And it won't be over until she is on a positive path to keeping control of this, over and above herself, undisrupted and empowered. I know she can do it. I hope she knows she can do it. The look in her eyes yesterday when she laughed with me insists that she does know she can do this.
Much as I never thought I'd feel this positive again about this situation, I can say without hesitation that I do feel very positive about it now. Still a piece of me feels nervous and unsure about how sincere the words were, as the only people writing anything down were the only people in the room who haven't said one thing and then said another in the company of others, so it still feels like there is conflict between a few of the agencies. One agency asked another 'can we get that in writing' in a very offensive tone, a definite sign of internal conflict, which I am sick and tired of dealing with as it is always at Nikki's expense and as a mother it enrages me that a system at the level we are at now still seems to be run just as shoddily as a free clinic in some 3rd world country. In fact, I'd say a free clinic in some 3rd world country probably has better interpersonal behaviors and a more caring, honest staff than some of the flapjacks I've met over the years. I'm all for bottom line of profit and keeping the stats good, but not at the expense of the agency's mission, and when you're in the mission of helping mental health patients, your first priority should be the patients themselves, then the financial aspects, because even the bottom line of profit and statistics will sink drastically if you let a patient downward spiral into their mental health issues.
It's more logical, profit-oriented and pro-statistic to do everything you can to prevent what you can and assist in every way possible to see to it the result is the one that works in favor of the patient AND the business/system. Letting Nikki down over and over again and expecting our family to help her with this is like expecting a family to treat their own burn victim with no experience or idea how to do it. We thought love and caring were capable of helping see her through this, and for many years it made a nice, comforting place for Nikki to land after each episode, but it has not helped at all with a problem that needs more medical attention than it has received. Just as you can not love away a burn victim's infected wounds and medical treatment is needed with that, same thing with mental health... it's gotta be a combo of both. And now the system has let it go for so long that more medical treatment is needed than would have been if this had been correctly diagnosed years and years ago. Like cancer, the earlier the diagnosis is made, the easier it is to treat, and the statistics go up in favor of recovery the sooner it is known what is wrong.
Back to housecleaning with me... socked-foot wooden-floor shuffling around and Windex, Murphy's oil soap and dust rags. A special hello to my buddy Randy, in Nebraska. Thank you for making me laugh and chuckle so much throughout this... you seriously kept my head on straight here. Kenny thanks you, too... he said he likes the idea of all of us meeting in Nebraska, but he does not approve of the corn cob idea as his Crohn's disease bans him from corn. :D
I don't think there's a soul that was at that meeting that isn't feeling as mentally drained as I am. There are still a lot of things to be sorted out, but at the very least the situation and facts have spoken for themselves and it is now very clear that a more definitive and clinical path will be taken.
:insert angry cuss word here: !!!!!! Six pounds of paperwork between 1998 and now to get here... but we are finally almost here, and at least now it's heading in the right direction rather than the limbo of indecision and the politics of it all. There's still a little bit of limbo to wade through, but the waters feel more tolerable and warm. The facts will do that... bring clarity to an issue, make it feel more manageable.
I'm doing what I do best to recoup... I'm cleaning. Like a goofball... great tunes on softly, Butterfly Boucher and Sheryl Crow and Jane's Addiction, light blue clothes, doors open so I can hear those leaves in the windy gusts and smell of autumn as it casually strolls around in the air.
Nikki conned ten bucks off me, I'd given her 20 on Saturday... I asked her who her dealer was inside the joint, and we laughed. : ) Granted, the laughs we had were strewn in-between a lot of tears over this, but she's a strong, determined young woman and I am so very proud of her for keeping her goals clear and her sense of humor intact.
Still a long road to go... next week I plan to send copies of the documents that show errors in judgment and professional protocol to the many supervisors of the many cacaheads involved in this obnoxious chain of events that led to so many wrong choices by so many various agencies, both insurance-wise and mental health wise. I alerted everyone at the meeting of this, which I believe is at least half the reason things went as good as they did. The other half of the reason is that the facts were indisputable. Try as they would to fumble around direct questions, when asked outright about things like diagnosis and behavior/thought concerns, it became very clear that the system is not working and they are no closer to anything. It's all been nothing but a risky guessing game and they absolutely lost at the expense of Nikki's emotional stability, who clearly let everyone know she does not know what is happening or how to stop it/control it.
Most parents are, I can relate, so mentally drained I can imagine most will submit to the lunacy of the current field of mental health. I refused and I refuse to allow it, and I'm not the first, thank gosh, and will be teaming up with those groups when all of this is over. And it won't be over until she is on a positive path to keeping control of this, over and above herself, undisrupted and empowered. I know she can do it. I hope she knows she can do it. The look in her eyes yesterday when she laughed with me insists that she does know she can do this.
Much as I never thought I'd feel this positive again about this situation, I can say without hesitation that I do feel very positive about it now. Still a piece of me feels nervous and unsure about how sincere the words were, as the only people writing anything down were the only people in the room who haven't said one thing and then said another in the company of others, so it still feels like there is conflict between a few of the agencies. One agency asked another 'can we get that in writing' in a very offensive tone, a definite sign of internal conflict, which I am sick and tired of dealing with as it is always at Nikki's expense and as a mother it enrages me that a system at the level we are at now still seems to be run just as shoddily as a free clinic in some 3rd world country. In fact, I'd say a free clinic in some 3rd world country probably has better interpersonal behaviors and a more caring, honest staff than some of the flapjacks I've met over the years. I'm all for bottom line of profit and keeping the stats good, but not at the expense of the agency's mission, and when you're in the mission of helping mental health patients, your first priority should be the patients themselves, then the financial aspects, because even the bottom line of profit and statistics will sink drastically if you let a patient downward spiral into their mental health issues.
It's more logical, profit-oriented and pro-statistic to do everything you can to prevent what you can and assist in every way possible to see to it the result is the one that works in favor of the patient AND the business/system. Letting Nikki down over and over again and expecting our family to help her with this is like expecting a family to treat their own burn victim with no experience or idea how to do it. We thought love and caring were capable of helping see her through this, and for many years it made a nice, comforting place for Nikki to land after each episode, but it has not helped at all with a problem that needs more medical attention than it has received. Just as you can not love away a burn victim's infected wounds and medical treatment is needed with that, same thing with mental health... it's gotta be a combo of both. And now the system has let it go for so long that more medical treatment is needed than would have been if this had been correctly diagnosed years and years ago. Like cancer, the earlier the diagnosis is made, the easier it is to treat, and the statistics go up in favor of recovery the sooner it is known what is wrong.
Back to housecleaning with me... socked-foot wooden-floor shuffling around and Windex, Murphy's oil soap and dust rags. A special hello to my buddy Randy, in Nebraska. Thank you for making me laugh and chuckle so much throughout this... you seriously kept my head on straight here. Kenny thanks you, too... he said he likes the idea of all of us meeting in Nebraska, but he does not approve of the corn cob idea as his Crohn's disease bans him from corn. :D
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Great phonecalls today; found out the mental health arena has been circus-like for years, decades even. Insurance issues are only half the problem... It seems a boat-load of money is spent on funding specialty groups for home visits and over-paid titles for offices full of college graduates with good intentions but not much of a clue of how desperately needed more pro-active head/hands-on doctor-to-patient discussion and diagnosis is needed. And, on a bright note, it appears the wheels are already in motion to overhaul the mental health system and fix the many, many flaws within it. So although our family gets caught in this crossfire of system discourse and change, our family's struggle with trying to help a family member with a mental illness is nothing new and adds to the pile of reasons the changes in the system are needed. I guess in some small way that is comforting. Greatest of all were the phonecalls from Nikki.
Just finished up a meeting, Kenny and I were here for most of it together, and then KC and Winter came home and it was great to have them be seen in such happy, calm, unafraid moods. They showed their Halloween costumes and talked excitedly about our plans for decorations. I'd almost forgotten, in the midst of all the phonecalls and meetings, how fun the spooky season is for our family. The past few weeks almost ripped my usual playful mood from my head and heart, I have felt so serious and focused on all the issues and the headaches of trying to be an advocate, an insurance analyst, and at times even a lawyer during the course of what should not have been my fight to fight... I should have been just being Nikki's mom, but was forced into other areas that were far beyond my knowledge and expertise. Reading was the best way to arm myself, with knowledge, but the more I read the more angry and disheartened I became. Families are going through ten times more than we are with children's mental health issues, and my entire soul aches for them (and our family, too.) It was so great, yesterday, to hear somebody say "let me do that for you... your family has been through enough."
I've been reading Deborah Spungen's "And I Don't Want To Live This Life", and there are some frightening parallels to Nikki's condition. The hallucinations, the colick as a child, the paranoia, the 'look', the blind rages, and the inability to connect to the life around her/reality... It is such a frightening situation for all of us, but most of all for her, without doubt. It appears the Spungen family is one of those 'ten times worse' than our family's scenario, as it appears that Nancy had longer lasting, more frequent episodes along with the trouble of drug addiction and sexual issues, that I'm sure only make matters much harder to deal with and help resolve. Still, the things that are the same are strikingly so... the test scores most profoundly. High/superior in all areas except math. That really seems to be key to this type of mental disorder.
Nikki's father called today and we talked at length about the condition, which both he and his brother have, and he gave me tips on what might have worked for him growing up... He also is going to do his best to play a bigger role in Nikki's life, so that she may learn from his mistakes and ways to deal with the frustrations of being born so disconnected from oneself and those around you. He is very strong, I told him, so I have a lot of faith and hope in this whole thing working out ok in the end. I promised him that in years to come we would both one day see Nikki as an adult at a large family Thanksgiving meal, with all families present, with grandkids and spouses and laughter and memories, and we would look back on all this hard, hard work, both physical and emotional, and it would all be so very worth it. He agreed.
So for now we continue to forge ahead. The big meeting is tomorrow, which will be interesting and very well could be a defining moment in the course of Nikki's treatment. I feel confident that things will work out in her favor, but at the same time am prepared should they not. We've looked into other areas to bring her, mainly Boston, which has some of the best in the field of mental health. If need be I'd move up there for a few months with her; we are hoping it does not come to this. We are hoping the insurance and agency disputes will resolve amongst themselves and do what is best for Nikki without forcing our family to try to care for a mental condition we have no idea how to treat. It does not sound like it will come to that, but if it does... we are ready to do it. Anything to see Nikki through this, to get her in control of her thoughts and moods and entire being.
Just finished up a meeting, Kenny and I were here for most of it together, and then KC and Winter came home and it was great to have them be seen in such happy, calm, unafraid moods. They showed their Halloween costumes and talked excitedly about our plans for decorations. I'd almost forgotten, in the midst of all the phonecalls and meetings, how fun the spooky season is for our family. The past few weeks almost ripped my usual playful mood from my head and heart, I have felt so serious and focused on all the issues and the headaches of trying to be an advocate, an insurance analyst, and at times even a lawyer during the course of what should not have been my fight to fight... I should have been just being Nikki's mom, but was forced into other areas that were far beyond my knowledge and expertise. Reading was the best way to arm myself, with knowledge, but the more I read the more angry and disheartened I became. Families are going through ten times more than we are with children's mental health issues, and my entire soul aches for them (and our family, too.) It was so great, yesterday, to hear somebody say "let me do that for you... your family has been through enough."
I've been reading Deborah Spungen's "And I Don't Want To Live This Life", and there are some frightening parallels to Nikki's condition. The hallucinations, the colick as a child, the paranoia, the 'look', the blind rages, and the inability to connect to the life around her/reality... It is such a frightening situation for all of us, but most of all for her, without doubt. It appears the Spungen family is one of those 'ten times worse' than our family's scenario, as it appears that Nancy had longer lasting, more frequent episodes along with the trouble of drug addiction and sexual issues, that I'm sure only make matters much harder to deal with and help resolve. Still, the things that are the same are strikingly so... the test scores most profoundly. High/superior in all areas except math. That really seems to be key to this type of mental disorder.
Nikki's father called today and we talked at length about the condition, which both he and his brother have, and he gave me tips on what might have worked for him growing up... He also is going to do his best to play a bigger role in Nikki's life, so that she may learn from his mistakes and ways to deal with the frustrations of being born so disconnected from oneself and those around you. He is very strong, I told him, so I have a lot of faith and hope in this whole thing working out ok in the end. I promised him that in years to come we would both one day see Nikki as an adult at a large family Thanksgiving meal, with all families present, with grandkids and spouses and laughter and memories, and we would look back on all this hard, hard work, both physical and emotional, and it would all be so very worth it. He agreed.
So for now we continue to forge ahead. The big meeting is tomorrow, which will be interesting and very well could be a defining moment in the course of Nikki's treatment. I feel confident that things will work out in her favor, but at the same time am prepared should they not. We've looked into other areas to bring her, mainly Boston, which has some of the best in the field of mental health. If need be I'd move up there for a few months with her; we are hoping it does not come to this. We are hoping the insurance and agency disputes will resolve amongst themselves and do what is best for Nikki without forcing our family to try to care for a mental condition we have no idea how to treat. It does not sound like it will come to that, but if it does... we are ready to do it. Anything to see Nikki through this, to get her in control of her thoughts and moods and entire being.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
One day I'm going to laugh about all of this. One day it will just be a memory, a piece of time we talk about over tea and whisper 'that was a hard spot.' Day by day we keep hearing we are doing the right thing. Yesterday somebody said to me "keep up the good fight, Mrs. Camille." It's people like that guy who are keeping me going here. It's people like him and Kenny and Nebraska and RandyNebraska and Constance and even people no longer around who have said things that help me through this seriously fucked up time.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
"The hung guy ravished my hot boy hole" can be rearranged to form the sentence "Boy, my hole hung, ravished, hot. The... guy." :points, faints:
http://www.craigslist.org/sby/m4m/42461503.html
http://www.craigslist.org/sby/m4m/42461503.html
Monday, September 13, 2004
Randy Nebraska says:
I have an idea for a loophole.
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I like loopholes, toss it at me (overhand, not underhand)
Nifty Nebraska says:
actually, underhand it to me, my equalibrium is off today
Nifty Nebraska says:
I lost balance walking down the hallway
Nifty Nebraska says:
and sheryl crow is an amazing woman
Nifty Nebraska says:
I let her voice hold me up
Nifty Nebraska says:
'and I'll no longer be, in your mind, the difficult kind, cuz babe... I've changed'
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I'm cutting and pasting this im as my 'blog post'
Randy Nebraska says:
Jebus Allah Booda.... get up to take a shit and come back to a novella
Nifty Nebraska says:
zoinkerooos!
Nifty Nebraska says:
lol
Nifty Nebraska says:
can I put that into my blog, too? (I haven't done it yet, I'm sorta surfing the news here)
Nifty Nebraska says:
Yikes... freaking Ivan, what a 'cane
Nifty Nebraska says:
what was your loophole idea?
Nifty Nebraska says:
I was gonna just cut and paste this entire text chat of ramble as my blog entry
Randy Nebraska says:
Oh yeah, I need to learn to read. This entire chat? Sure,
Randy Nebraska says:
why not
Nifty Nebraska says:
with permission from you, of course
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like anybody knows who Randy Nebraska is
Nifty Nebraska says:
and even if they did... so?
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like we're breaking laws here
Nifty Nebraska says:
two goofy nuts just breaking up the stress of life with a little Nebraska
I have an idea for a loophole.
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I like loopholes, toss it at me (overhand, not underhand)
Nifty Nebraska says:
actually, underhand it to me, my equalibrium is off today
Nifty Nebraska says:
I lost balance walking down the hallway
Nifty Nebraska says:
and sheryl crow is an amazing woman
Nifty Nebraska says:
I let her voice hold me up
Nifty Nebraska says:
'and I'll no longer be, in your mind, the difficult kind, cuz babe... I've changed'
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I'm cutting and pasting this im as my 'blog post'
Randy Nebraska says:
Jebus Allah Booda.... get up to take a shit and come back to a novella
Nifty Nebraska says:
zoinkerooos!
Nifty Nebraska says:
lol
Nifty Nebraska says:
can I put that into my blog, too? (I haven't done it yet, I'm sorta surfing the news here)
Nifty Nebraska says:
Yikes... freaking Ivan, what a 'cane
Nifty Nebraska says:
what was your loophole idea?
Nifty Nebraska says:
I was gonna just cut and paste this entire text chat of ramble as my blog entry
Randy Nebraska says:
Oh yeah, I need to learn to read. This entire chat? Sure,
Randy Nebraska says:
why not
Nifty Nebraska says:
with permission from you, of course
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like anybody knows who Randy Nebraska is
Nifty Nebraska says:
and even if they did... so?
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like we're breaking laws here
Nifty Nebraska says:
two goofy nuts just breaking up the stress of life with a little Nebraska
Saturday, September 11, 2004
nine eleven. When buildings and hearts become fragile and collapse. When loud cries and futile pleas get lost in mayhem and smoke. When plans and planes crash and burn, crash and burn, and years go by and the situation gets worse, not better.
How can things be more unresolved? How is it the risks feel bigger, the fear more a reality than a reaction?
There's got to be a push for more discussion, for more clarity, for more resolve. Things need to be addressed more clearly and firmly. It has to begin; online, maybe.
I live near an airport. A plane just flew overhead, the hum of engines reminding me of the first time I heard a plane fly after the air ban was lifted. The fear, the sadness, the anger that things had gotten to that point when they didn't have to get to that point. Seeing the faults of both sides, wondering why reason works with neither.
That morning was so crisp and brilliant. Sunshine. Clean blue to the sky. Leaves just starting to change color on the two trees in front of the house. Nothing can change those facts. That is how things were. That is how things were supposed to be.
I still can't believe all these years have gone by so quickly and offering so much time for resolution and justice, of any sort, but it feels like all this time has brought is more discourse, more uncertainty, more ... death. Some point to the fact there's been no further attacks on the USA soil; but that is not to suggest that Americans do not continue to die for this... and that other civilians in other countries do not continue to die for this.
What is this? A disagreement? A land dispute? A religious ideology debate where points can only be made through killing and body counts are adjectives used to express how strongly each side feels? Why can't this be expressed with words alone? Why can't this be resolved with verbal exchange? Which side is more incapable of compromise or logic? Is religious blindness any different than the blindness that is corruption of power? Aren't both sides guilty of not representing their societies and truly only interested in protecting their control over those societies and not the societies themselves?
If this could be broken down, piece by piece, in the most simplistic and basic of terms, with each side offering to step back and just review the logic of each stance, to consider each charge, to contemplate every idea for resolve and then to take the initiative to at the very least try... things could work out, smooth out, and eventually fade out into memories, lessons from history, times gone by. It will get to that point someday, so why not start the process now? Why wait for a few more generations of senseless revenge and counterattacks and pre-emptive strikes... why not demand change now? Why not demand that another day can not go by without a talk to begin the end of this?
Are the people in the highest of power globally really this incapable of basic problem solving?
How can things be more unresolved? How is it the risks feel bigger, the fear more a reality than a reaction?
There's got to be a push for more discussion, for more clarity, for more resolve. Things need to be addressed more clearly and firmly. It has to begin; online, maybe.
I live near an airport. A plane just flew overhead, the hum of engines reminding me of the first time I heard a plane fly after the air ban was lifted. The fear, the sadness, the anger that things had gotten to that point when they didn't have to get to that point. Seeing the faults of both sides, wondering why reason works with neither.
That morning was so crisp and brilliant. Sunshine. Clean blue to the sky. Leaves just starting to change color on the two trees in front of the house. Nothing can change those facts. That is how things were. That is how things were supposed to be.
I still can't believe all these years have gone by so quickly and offering so much time for resolution and justice, of any sort, but it feels like all this time has brought is more discourse, more uncertainty, more ... death. Some point to the fact there's been no further attacks on the USA soil; but that is not to suggest that Americans do not continue to die for this... and that other civilians in other countries do not continue to die for this.
What is this? A disagreement? A land dispute? A religious ideology debate where points can only be made through killing and body counts are adjectives used to express how strongly each side feels? Why can't this be expressed with words alone? Why can't this be resolved with verbal exchange? Which side is more incapable of compromise or logic? Is religious blindness any different than the blindness that is corruption of power? Aren't both sides guilty of not representing their societies and truly only interested in protecting their control over those societies and not the societies themselves?
If this could be broken down, piece by piece, in the most simplistic and basic of terms, with each side offering to step back and just review the logic of each stance, to consider each charge, to contemplate every idea for resolve and then to take the initiative to at the very least try... things could work out, smooth out, and eventually fade out into memories, lessons from history, times gone by. It will get to that point someday, so why not start the process now? Why wait for a few more generations of senseless revenge and counterattacks and pre-emptive strikes... why not demand change now? Why not demand that another day can not go by without a talk to begin the end of this?
Are the people in the highest of power globally really this incapable of basic problem solving?
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Saturday, September 04, 2004
We've been up since three thirty a.m. here... things continue to be unusually obscure. Got a phonecall about a dead guy found behind a store. Appears to be a murder. Kenny says this year being as odd as it has been can only mean one thing: The Red Sox are going to win the World Series. It's his birthday today... all morning his phone has been ringing about the dead man, which for some reason almost seems to fit in with the way things have been going the past nine months.
And after a one hour phonecall with Nikki last night, I believe she is ready to work on helping the doctors understand her. I don't think she knew before why it is so important to let the people working with you know where your thoughts are at. I also think she's ready to give understanding herself a try. Got some books together for her, along with some other personal items, and will be bringing them to her this week. We had a good laugh about the parallels in our lives, even with the differences. It was great to be able to laugh together within the harsh reality of the situation. Somehow I think this particular phonecall will become the starting point of things really getting better for her. For the first time ever I think she is beginning to understand that becoming her father is not her destiny or fate. I called him to alert him to what is going on, but as usual his condition is at a point where he can't see outside of himself. I know this part of things is what has made things a little harder on Nikki than they should be, but I think as time goes on she will let go of her anger towards her father as well, as he is not to blame (you can point the finger of genetic coding down many, many generations... nobody is to blame and the origin could have happened to anyone.)
I'm personally not climbing out of anything here, just sitting on a ledge inside myself, keeping out of danger and just functioning until I have the time and quiet to sort the rest out. There's almost too many other things going on to deal with anything else besides Nikki just yet. If I remain focussed, as her mom, and if she remains intent on getting through this... there can only be a positive result.
In the meantime, as things get worked out there with Nikki, the boys will be starting school back up again this week, so we are having a back-to-school party for the neighborhood kids who were here most days this entire summer. With the start of school we realized we were planning to start the School Scrabble group this year, but we've decided that there's no way to run the School Scrabble group with the unpredictableness of Nikki's condition, so we're going to give KC's former teacher who wanted to help us run it the kit. We can help in smaller ways, like going to the school once every other month to teach some of the basics on the huge Scrabble rug with the velcro letters we put together, but we can't forsee being able to do things on a weekly basis as there's no way to tell what Nikki's situation will be on a daily and weekly basis. As time goes by we hope to be able to play a more active role in the group, but for now we've decided it's best to keep things as flexible as possible just in case Nikki's situation needs more of our time and energy.
Wints is excited about showing his new dog book to his classroom, KC is excited to play in his first football game after practicing for weeks. They both had a great summer and seem anxious to see everyone at school again... it's a fantastic time to be in the elementry school they attend.... Each classroom has a computer, the majority of teachers grew up in the 70s and 80s, and it's a small enough school that everyone really knows everyone. When there's a school concert, attendance is almost always close to 100%. When one student is going through a hard time, the entire school body will help. It's a very organized school. About the only whacky thing at the school is the nurse, stories of her phonecalls to parents circulate throughout the hallways during any open house or school event. She's a nurse who takes her job... very seriously. Very, very seriously. Some might say too seriously. I personally like her quirky nature, although she has said some things to me that I found amusing when I know she did not mean them to be funny.
I'm waiting for Kenny to be hungry so I can start a nice, big breakfast. He's usually hungry within half an hour of waking up, but this morning took a little longer for him to crave something in his tummy...
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, there's a dead guy behind the stooooooore, happy birthday to you...
And after a one hour phonecall with Nikki last night, I believe she is ready to work on helping the doctors understand her. I don't think she knew before why it is so important to let the people working with you know where your thoughts are at. I also think she's ready to give understanding herself a try. Got some books together for her, along with some other personal items, and will be bringing them to her this week. We had a good laugh about the parallels in our lives, even with the differences. It was great to be able to laugh together within the harsh reality of the situation. Somehow I think this particular phonecall will become the starting point of things really getting better for her. For the first time ever I think she is beginning to understand that becoming her father is not her destiny or fate. I called him to alert him to what is going on, but as usual his condition is at a point where he can't see outside of himself. I know this part of things is what has made things a little harder on Nikki than they should be, but I think as time goes on she will let go of her anger towards her father as well, as he is not to blame (you can point the finger of genetic coding down many, many generations... nobody is to blame and the origin could have happened to anyone.)
I'm personally not climbing out of anything here, just sitting on a ledge inside myself, keeping out of danger and just functioning until I have the time and quiet to sort the rest out. There's almost too many other things going on to deal with anything else besides Nikki just yet. If I remain focussed, as her mom, and if she remains intent on getting through this... there can only be a positive result.
In the meantime, as things get worked out there with Nikki, the boys will be starting school back up again this week, so we are having a back-to-school party for the neighborhood kids who were here most days this entire summer. With the start of school we realized we were planning to start the School Scrabble group this year, but we've decided that there's no way to run the School Scrabble group with the unpredictableness of Nikki's condition, so we're going to give KC's former teacher who wanted to help us run it the kit. We can help in smaller ways, like going to the school once every other month to teach some of the basics on the huge Scrabble rug with the velcro letters we put together, but we can't forsee being able to do things on a weekly basis as there's no way to tell what Nikki's situation will be on a daily and weekly basis. As time goes by we hope to be able to play a more active role in the group, but for now we've decided it's best to keep things as flexible as possible just in case Nikki's situation needs more of our time and energy.
Wints is excited about showing his new dog book to his classroom, KC is excited to play in his first football game after practicing for weeks. They both had a great summer and seem anxious to see everyone at school again... it's a fantastic time to be in the elementry school they attend.... Each classroom has a computer, the majority of teachers grew up in the 70s and 80s, and it's a small enough school that everyone really knows everyone. When there's a school concert, attendance is almost always close to 100%. When one student is going through a hard time, the entire school body will help. It's a very organized school. About the only whacky thing at the school is the nurse, stories of her phonecalls to parents circulate throughout the hallways during any open house or school event. She's a nurse who takes her job... very seriously. Very, very seriously. Some might say too seriously. I personally like her quirky nature, although she has said some things to me that I found amusing when I know she did not mean them to be funny.
I'm waiting for Kenny to be hungry so I can start a nice, big breakfast. He's usually hungry within half an hour of waking up, but this morning took a little longer for him to crave something in his tummy...
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, there's a dead guy behind the stooooooore, happy birthday to you...
Thursday, September 02, 2004
my surreal life... after a day that by 1:00 p.m. had been in the top ten of 'worst days of my life', Kenny comes home an hour later to share the great news... a promotion at work along with a tremendous pay raise. And his boss bought him a very cool football enclosed in a case.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to regain my mental composure and not allow myself to be sucked into the sensual world of insanity. I plan to read all five Erma Bombeck books I recently got from an auction at Ebay.com before the end of September; if humor of that caliber doesn't help, nothing will. I also got 4 of the same Erma Bombeck books for Nikki to read... I'm hoping it will help her see that even families without the disabilities she has still have hard days where things just go wrong.
This has been a very, very, very fucked up week, now that I sit here and think about it... filled with extreme moments on opposite ends of positive and negative.
Negative: Magellan's extreme incompetence as a 3rd party vendor; they are going to get Blue Cross in craploads of trouble legally.
Positive: 2nd place in a cribbage tournament
Negative: Nikki's condition and situation
Positive: Kenny gets promoted, large pay raise
Meanwhile, I'm trying to regain my mental composure and not allow myself to be sucked into the sensual world of insanity. I plan to read all five Erma Bombeck books I recently got from an auction at Ebay.com before the end of September; if humor of that caliber doesn't help, nothing will. I also got 4 of the same Erma Bombeck books for Nikki to read... I'm hoping it will help her see that even families without the disabilities she has still have hard days where things just go wrong.
This has been a very, very, very fucked up week, now that I sit here and think about it... filled with extreme moments on opposite ends of positive and negative.
Negative: Magellan's extreme incompetence as a 3rd party vendor; they are going to get Blue Cross in craploads of trouble legally.
Positive: 2nd place in a cribbage tournament
Negative: Nikki's condition and situation
Positive: Kenny gets promoted, large pay raise
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
I'm having a harder and harder time coping with the chaos...her mental illness seeps into aspects of my life and their lives that I had not expected it to. I don't know how to fight her invisible demons, I do not know how to protect her from her own actions, I do not know how to help pull her out of her confusion and suffering. I remember when I was her age how I thought once I was an adult I would be so powerful and capable of protecting those I love with much more success. Being able to help them, and knowing more and more along the way so that I would be able to fix anything. Now I find that being an adult does not give you the capability to solve all of someone's problems; and health issues and mental issues only make it more difficult and impossible.
I am powerless. I am incapable. I do not know enough about this to be of any assistance. I am beginning to feel helpless and afraid of things that are out of my control that I am powerless to change, and it's having negative effects on her, them and me. It's dredging up the bottom of my mind's ocean of personal pain and suffering, and that aspect is pissing me off as I feel now is not the time to reflect on anything from the past, I want to concentrate on the present and the future of helping her and us in the process. But bits and pieces keep coming back to me, vivid and fucking painful to recall, and weakening me to lower and lower levels. This is not good. I want to fight it.
I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like running, like Forrest Gump, coast to coast over and over again. Or just up to Canada or down to Florida. Running. But to run is not an option, it feels like it will only make matters worse. But I'm falling apart mentally, I think... shattering into pieces again. I lost track of two hours yesterday, possibly close to three, I can't recall the exact cut off time, but I found traces of what appears to be cleaning/organizing frenzies and some writing/sorting out. I guess that's probably good and bad, but it also could just be stress.
I'm going to call on Friday to make an appointment for myself next week after the kids start school. Just to be safe, even if I feel I don't need it, I think I probably should keep a specialist informed about this.
I am powerless. I am incapable. I do not know enough about this to be of any assistance. I am beginning to feel helpless and afraid of things that are out of my control that I am powerless to change, and it's having negative effects on her, them and me. It's dredging up the bottom of my mind's ocean of personal pain and suffering, and that aspect is pissing me off as I feel now is not the time to reflect on anything from the past, I want to concentrate on the present and the future of helping her and us in the process. But bits and pieces keep coming back to me, vivid and fucking painful to recall, and weakening me to lower and lower levels. This is not good. I want to fight it.
I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like running, like Forrest Gump, coast to coast over and over again. Or just up to Canada or down to Florida. Running. But to run is not an option, it feels like it will only make matters worse. But I'm falling apart mentally, I think... shattering into pieces again. I lost track of two hours yesterday, possibly close to three, I can't recall the exact cut off time, but I found traces of what appears to be cleaning/organizing frenzies and some writing/sorting out. I guess that's probably good and bad, but it also could just be stress.
I'm going to call on Friday to make an appointment for myself next week after the kids start school. Just to be safe, even if I feel I don't need it, I think I probably should keep a specialist informed about this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
