I'm having a harder and harder time coping with the chaos...her mental illness seeps into aspects of my life and their lives that I had not expected it to. I don't know how to fight her invisible demons, I do not know how to protect her from her own actions, I do not know how to help pull her out of her confusion and suffering. I remember when I was her age how I thought once I was an adult I would be so powerful and capable of protecting those I love with much more success. Being able to help them, and knowing more and more along the way so that I would be able to fix anything. Now I find that being an adult does not give you the capability to solve all of someone's problems; and health issues and mental issues only make it more difficult and impossible.

I am powerless. I am incapable. I do not know enough about this to be of any assistance. I am beginning to feel helpless and afraid of things that are out of my control that I am powerless to change, and it's having negative effects on her, them and me. It's dredging up the bottom of my mind's ocean of personal pain and suffering, and that aspect is pissing me off as I feel now is not the time to reflect on anything from the past, I want to concentrate on the present and the future of helping her and us in the process. But bits and pieces keep coming back to me, vivid and fucking painful to recall, and weakening me to lower and lower levels. This is not good. I want to fight it.

I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like running, like Forrest Gump, coast to coast over and over again. Or just up to Canada or down to Florida. Running. But to run is not an option, it feels like it will only make matters worse. But I'm falling apart mentally, I think... shattering into pieces again. I lost track of two hours yesterday, possibly close to three, I can't recall the exact cut off time, but I found traces of what appears to be cleaning/organizing frenzies and some writing/sorting out. I guess that's probably good and bad, but it also could just be stress.

I'm going to call on Friday to make an appointment for myself next week after the kids start school. Just to be safe, even if I feel I don't need it, I think I probably should keep a specialist informed about this.