I was going to look into getting a therapist today to sort out some of the thoughts pecking at my brain, but I've decided that:

1) I can cope with my thoughts, as they aren't destructive/negative

2) As stressful as the past few days have been, I've been through worse

3) Even though I almost bought a carton of cigarettes, I quit back in March, desiring to smoke isn't a sign of impending doom, it just means I need to take some time out to sit down and sort out my head... which I can do without smoking

4) The majority of this situation has nothing to do with me or my thoughts on it; sometimes life just has to sort itself out and the people within the given situation need to sort out THEIR own poop. What I figure out can be shared with those involved, but it is not my duty to mentally sort out everyone... even though I often feel I'm supposed to help in that way.

5) Although I feel weakened and drained, I am pretty strong and capable of handling things (or realizing I don't have to handle anything).

6) My time would be better used by doing active things, like writing http://wink.urgo.org/bbs/ and http://wink.urgo.org/ptsd/ , working on the house and yard, spending time with Kenny, and spending days exploring the world with my kids.

7) No matter how much I try I can not do anything more than I have already done and continue to do for the situation at hand. I have given it my all, my best. I'm not sure why I do this, but I tend to think that unless things get better immediately or within a day, I have personally failed. I need to work on this thought pattern, and change it, because it's not a logical or reasonable expectation to put upon myself.

8) I'm probably my own best therapist at this point in my life, but if I still feel like I need to talk out some things when the kids are back in school, I will call up that place I went to three or four years ago and arrange to see somebody in September. If I feel any more homocidal thoughts towards my mother, I will call and make an appointment immediately.

ahh... there it is. It posted after I posted today, unclogged the connection. :)

I think it's possible our thoughts, like wireless data transmissions, can react like dos attacks if we think them too strongly or deeply. From a scientific standpoint, this would be similar to the difference between water and air... both have force and can move and be moved, transported and humanly manipulated. Sometimes I find if I'm thinking too *loudly*, I will have problems with my computer. Not always, but occasionally enough to note it.

Such as this thought, which seemed to get stuck in cyberspace's throat:

...in the space of time I spent proving love exists, she has spent hers proving that it does not and leaving us to deal with the wreckages.

I posted that yesterday to my blog... it never showed up.

Well, to make this short... if you want to bring out the worst in people, you can. And it's not very hard to bring sexual deviancy to the surface of anyone, because it is so surface.

But why do people do this to each other and themselves? Because I feel it's just as easy to bring out the best in somebody as it is to bring out the worst in them. But as I study human nature more and more it appears that on almost every level of society there does not seem to be a concensus of desire to bring people up to the best they are, but a desire to bring people down to some medium level of numbness. Or to lift them up so high they are at a dangerous level to fall from... and, whoosh, yanking of rugs out from under them. Or, a desire to push people down lower, kicking the crippled. I'm seeing it in entertainment, in religion, in government, on every continent and region. Stepping back and wondering about this for a few days now. What it means, how it can be changed, and then I keep getting this feeling that perhaps the only thing worth studying and giving energy to are things like documenting discoveries of a scientific nature, because it is within those discoveries that people seem to flourish and be the best they are and actually hope good things for each other. Maybe if more people just started spreading the word about scientific studies like those going on in the ocean, in space, and other areas that don't seem to have the stigma of negativeness attached to them... or if something could be presented on a global scale as needing everyone to be involved in some fashion. Some project, some study... some investigation of life. Something that shows our connections to each other.

Something that illuminates the wireless connnections we have to each other and to those things around us, on Earth and space.

...in the space of time I spent proving love exists, she has spent hers proving that it does not and leaving us to deal with the wreckages.

Change of plans... we're going to the fish hatchery in Sandwich tomorrow instead of the museum. It's a great FREE thing to do, but it seems to only get passed along through word of mouth. There's not really any advertising for it as it's a government sponsored program of some sort. They use the fish to replenish ponds and fishing holes all over America. The articles I read on it online seemed to indicate that many fish hatcheries were closing, and the Sandwich one seems to be just hanging by a thin financial thread. Maybe they could charge each person a dollar instead of having free tours? Seems each place we've gone to this summer has been expressing financial jeapordy. Wrote to my boss about helping out one of the places (the museum.) Hope he can help out in some way with that.

We'll be visiting my dad, too, tomorrow.

Today we're going to the Zooquarium, about a five minute drive from here. http://www.zooquariumcapecod.net/ Word got out that we were going... so there's 5 other kids coming... this oughta be interesting. 8 kids and me at an aquarium... zoinks!

The library has free passes to this place which we're picking up in about an hour. The pass is good for four people, I think, so the rest of the kids are bringing money to get in. It should be a fantastic time. : )

We're heading to the Cape Cod Museum of Natural History tomorrow: http://www.ccmnh.org/
We've gone to this place quite a lot the past few years. I think only 2 kids are going with us tomorrow, but there might be more if Nikki's friends want to come.

Next weekend we're checking out Nauset Light, a lighthouse that has a nearby park with the 3 sister lighthouses. Winter found the place on a map earlier this year, and he's even more excited to go now that I told him about bringing a picnic blanket and a frisbee to relax and play in the park a while. http://www.lighthouse.cc/nauset/history.html

The kids are starting to fight now behind me... why is it no matter how many fun plans you make for kids there's always some arguing over the most craziest things? This blowout was over the television... there's 5 televisions in this house and only 3 kids. I point this out to them every time, but nobody seems to understand... this arguing over the television happens at least once a month! And each time it ends the same way... I let it go until it's obvious the arguing isn't going to stop and then I just say "no tvs for an hour, all tvs off." This method has seemed to work... they used to argue over the televisions once a day, then it went down to once a week. When they can get it down to once a year, I think we'll have met an important goal.

The kids go back to school in about 2 weeks. As much fun as this summer has been going, I am looking forward to that first day of complete quiet and calm. ; )

I work the 3-11 shift tonight. I'm actually looking forward to the shift, not sure if I'm on alone or not, but either way it's a Sunday and sunny, so people coming by the store will be either leaving Cape Cod after a nice weekend playing in the sand, or locals who are ready for another week of work after a few days of break.

Grumpy from next door called the house and yelled at all the kids in the yard... again... I told him I was more than willing to designate *quiet times* so he could have two hour blocks during the day with no kids in my yard (that is not to say that kids in neighboring yards wouldn't be around, but I have no control over that...) I thought I was being more than reasonable, seeing as there is no law against kids playing in a yard. But Grumpy just blew up on me, in his drunken stupor, and requested that the entire day be quiet-time. So, I told him to get back to me when he was sober and reasonable, and then I further told him that if he keeps harrassing me and the kids with his booze-induced grumpiness that I was going to call the cops on him. Found out that both of his other neighbors on either side of his house have also been having problems with Grumpy calling and demanding complete silence. This guy needs to look into retirement communities that don't allow children instead of coming to Cape Cod each summer and spending 3 months yelling and complaining at the 3 houses that surround him where year-round residents with kids are trying to enjoy the summer time with water sprinklers, pools and trampolines. Nothing bothers this guy more than 4 kids laughing in a pool at noon time. Much as you want to accomodate the guy and give him some peace, he isn't flexible at all... I've left for entire days with the kids, and last week was gone for at least 3 days out of the week, so one would think he'd be pretty content. Or maybe on those days the noise-of-living from the other two houses got his wrath. Thank gosh my dad was here yesterday so I could ask him what he thought of the noise level the guy was calling about... my father said the guy was in the wrong, that the noise level was not at all loud, and he told me that if the guy called again or yelled over the fence at me or the kids I should just call the cops. And that is what I'll be doing. I'd tried to avoid it, because I don't want to cause the guy any problems, but he seems drunker and crankier every year, and knowing other neighbors are having the same issues with him makes me feel the guy needs to be told to go ride out his booze-buzz in the comfort of his house instead of coming outside to relieve himself of his misery all over the neighbors.

It's been this way for the past 5 years... the guy is old, though, so one day he'll kick the bucket and I sometimes wonder if he knows the legacy he will be leaving behind as I'm sure my kids will recall decades from now "The drunk, grumpy old man that used to yell all summer long..."

One thing about cyberspace that continues to amaze me is how much easier and user friendly sites are getting. They say the dot com days are over... I think they are actually just starting. What happened in the beginning was just a rushing to the stage. Now things get more organized. Now things get brighter. Now things get more interesting.

Today I spent about an hour just updating info on some websites we use for a variety of things, and I was so happy to see the sites had gotten better (as well as the customer service). More and more people in our lives are using the internet as a tool to make life easier and more efficient... and part of the reason that is possible is because some site owners finally realized that not everyone wants to take the time (re: inclination) to learn html or other commands to prompt things... once you make cyberspace as simple as selecting what you want to do and just doing it, one click and done sorta stuff, that's when people can get what they want from the internet. Because as it stood, cyberspace was like trying to bake an apple pie and someone insisting you had to learn how to grow apples first. Or wanting to go fishing at a lake, and somebody telling you it's important you know every single variety of fish in that particular pond or you won't be able to fish there.

Most of the rest of my morning was spent on the phone with just about every agency in the state of Massachusetts. Health related stuff, chair delivery, banks... thank gosh for cordless phones, I was able to get laundry done, along with sorting out the house, as I spent a good portion of my time on hold... with no hold music. Was hold music recently banned? It was so strange to be on hold with no Barry Manilow tunes playing.

Winter and I are tracking soon-to-be Hurricane Alex. What a fast-forming storm it was... it's not looking to effect the Cape Cod area, aside from ocean waves might be a little bigger, but I do suspect we will experience a hurricane of some strength this summer. Way, way, way over-due. Hurricane Bob was the last one Massachusetts had.

Wow... time flies. Nikki was only 4 when that hit. She's turning 17 this December.

KC's football practice got cancelled tonight, and suspended until August 16th. Some little known rule about not being able to practice until 30 days before the first game. Not sure why they would have that rule, don't pro-football players practice year round? It's good exercise... KC has lost a pound a day since he started. He's looking forward to getting back to practice.

He looks so grown up in his football uniform. Every time I see him in it, my heart leaps and I feel like I could burst into a dance, or tears... he just keeps growing up on me, more and more each day, and I keep wishing life had a pause button. Or slow-motion. So fast... so fast... so fast.