I have swamp-smelling ass gas and my stomach is on fucking fire and flipping around like it has come undone from whatever holds the tummy area in place. Spinning around and around in that pre-vomit crappy feeling, I googled and found out some damn belly-virus is going around Massachusetts. None the less, today I am painting the ceilings. If I throw up, so be it... the paint fumes will be good to cover up the fart scent that my butt has permeated the house with this morning. I have a little bucket I can keep under the ladder, and feel confident I could easily aim for it and just resume painting when the yak-up is through. I'm sick (heh) and tired of this ceiling getting delayed and I'll be gosh danged if some freakin' belly flu will stop me. I WANT HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS UP, Boooooo!... I need a spooky fix. I need some autumn fun and leaves and the smell of apples and cinnomin.

Amy and Ray's wedding was beautiful and comical and heart-grabbingly tear-flowingly extra-special perfect. I filmed the whole thing and should have a nice collage of scenes and stills put together by November... and it will be going online so I'll be sure to put a link to it here in my blog.

I hope to work this week on Billboard Sky and the Hooker and the Vet stories, and also to work on some other writing I've been meaning to get to but keep getting delayed on. I did get the new pictures up on the revamp of the cheesy family website.

My goal for this week is to take my mind off of things I can not currently effect/change and to focus on getting things in order here at the home as well as with the ideas jotted and not written yet. By the 9th of this month I intend to have gotten the strength to carry on the demand for a diagnosis, as there's no way to go any further without one. We can not go around in circles any longer; her most of all. We are all dizzy and exhausted and I will no longer expect the impossible from ourselves... we can't fix this. None of us, not even them, until we all know exactly what it is we're trying to fix/help/balance.

I am bringing her up some spooky deocrations and crafty, fun things to do... I think it will be a good way to help ease her mind, too, from trying to solve things herself. I think she and I both have been trying to fix things without knowing what exactly is wrong and odds are she is even more frustrated than I am with things. I will most likely drive up there tomorrow.

some things I jotted down so that I wouldn't lose them...

when I drove to the meeting, along a newly paved highway, a young man in faded blue work jeans and a white work shirt napped on his tractor, parked in that space between, the protection barrier, the large pine trees and other growth meant to be both a buffer and eye candy. A deep gray shadow lay over his sleeping, draped legs, splayed casually over the side of his machine. A large pine held a hand up to the sun to block it from disturbing him. It was near lunch time, and he would rather consume the peace of rest than food. His chosen spot for this sleep was making me wonder how much attention is given to the safe spots we hold inside ourselves; do we have to pick up litter and trim tree branches in our mental safetey zones? It also made me realize that safety zones can be like this... right in the middle of chaos. The highway divider, the eye of a hurricane, the core of a tornado. A calm, safe spot right in the center. But it can't protect one from everything...

and I saw just that on the ride home, which only made me think harder about it as I witnessed the minutes-later aftermath of a serious accident in the spotlight glare of the almost-sunset, I could hear pieces of metal still falling from the vehicle. I was not shocked to read the driver had died... and I was not shocked to see she was the same exact age as me, either. I knew even as I saw her things scattered along the jet-black highway, clothes and books and notebooks. Large pieces of glass, so big I wondered if something besides windows broke, it didn't even look like windshield glass, so sharp and jagged.


5.) Conn. woman perished in accident near bridgeAuthor: CAPE COD TIMESPublish Date: September 24, 2004Word Count: 228Document ID: 1055149DE1A8B7F1
SAGAMORE - State police have released the name of the woman who was killed in the single-car accident Wednesday afternoon on Route 6 near Exit 1.
Heather Smith, 36, of East Haven, Conn., was behind the wheel of a 2002 Chevrolet Trailblazer sport utility vehicle, heading west on Route 6, at the time of the crash.
Investigators say speed was likely a factor as Smith approached the Sagamore Bridge and lost control of the vehicle.

6.) Route 6 rollover kills driverAuthor: ERIC WILLIAMSPublish Date: September 23, 2004Word Count: 274Document ID: 1054C3870E21BDA5
BOURNE - One person was killed and another suffered life-threatening injuries in a one-vehicle rollover accident on Route 6 yesterday afternoon.
State police said the accident occurred shortly after 4:20 p.m. on the westbound side of the highway, just before Exit 1. According to state police, the driver of a 2002 Chevrolet Trailblazer sport utility vehicle apparently lost control of the vehicle while traveling in the left lane.

I feel I should go to her graveside and cry until I can no longer cry. In my head, when I try to force a different ending on this, I see the sleeping man on the tractor saving her life, carrying her from the wreckage, her head gently pressed against his chest, and I can see her mouth the words "thank you..." and I see love in both of their eyes. And I have always felt love could solve any problem, protect anyone from anything.

I know now that love can not fix some things. I knew at the meeting. I knew at the scene of that accident. I knew all along, I suspect, but just wanted love to be that strong and capable.
Love can not sooth all wounds. Love can not make everything better. Not everyone responds to love.

Not everyone responds to love.

And speaking of love... In his eyes I felt a familiarity and I then got a huge jolt of love from my heart to him. Who was he... stranger from New York. No stranger glance in his eyes into mine. He knows me and I know him, but he would not say. He just bought a round of drinks for our table... I have guesses as to who it was, but I am not sure I'd be right about any of them. It could even be that he was a stranger... stranger things have happened in my life to me. Like having an Orlando-Bloom looking waiter for the whole night... and shoving twenty dollars down his underwear and wishing I could just take him into a back room for a wall fuck.

At work the other day, to change the subject quickly and abruptly so I do not think too much about the love and sexuality of a night full of mental debauchery, three Ford Model A's were parked at the gas pumps the other day at work. The couples driving around in them were fun loving and happy go lucky as could be. It was the coolest thing to gaze out the window and see three of these right in a row:

http://www.eurasia85.be/test/nieuweversiefotoalbum/ford%20model%20a%201930.jpg

There's other things to write about, but I have to get started on the painting. Delay upon delay with it has made me more anxious to get it done. I want to put up the Halloween decorations next week, so the ceilings have to get done this week in order for that to happen. Autumn is here completely... this morning Winter caught a leaf as it fell from a tree at the bus stop. KC brought his costume to school for 'share', a thing his classroom does each week where students are asked to share anything exciting and new from their lives. I found out something I didn't know about KC this past week; he loves to read about world records. It intrigues him and I'm wondering if he has plans to break some records in his lifetime. I'm positive he could.

Gronk just messaged me, so I will end it here. :wave:

The meeting went better than great; it went extremely, amazingly fantastic. I am spending the day recouping from the intense outflow of 'whew, ok, now things seem to be going in a more positive, constructive, logical way...'

I don't think there's a soul that was at that meeting that isn't feeling as mentally drained as I am. There are still a lot of things to be sorted out, but at the very least the situation and facts have spoken for themselves and it is now very clear that a more definitive and clinical path will be taken.

:insert angry cuss word here: !!!!!! Six pounds of paperwork between 1998 and now to get here... but we are finally almost here, and at least now it's heading in the right direction rather than the limbo of indecision and the politics of it all. There's still a little bit of limbo to wade through, but the waters feel more tolerable and warm. The facts will do that... bring clarity to an issue, make it feel more manageable.

I'm doing what I do best to recoup... I'm cleaning. Like a goofball... great tunes on softly, Butterfly Boucher and Sheryl Crow and Jane's Addiction, light blue clothes, doors open so I can hear those leaves in the windy gusts and smell of autumn as it casually strolls around in the air.

Nikki conned ten bucks off me, I'd given her 20 on Saturday... I asked her who her dealer was inside the joint, and we laughed. : ) Granted, the laughs we had were strewn in-between a lot of tears over this, but she's a strong, determined young woman and I am so very proud of her for keeping her goals clear and her sense of humor intact.

Still a long road to go... next week I plan to send copies of the documents that show errors in judgment and professional protocol to the many supervisors of the many cacaheads involved in this obnoxious chain of events that led to so many wrong choices by so many various agencies, both insurance-wise and mental health wise. I alerted everyone at the meeting of this, which I believe is at least half the reason things went as good as they did. The other half of the reason is that the facts were indisputable. Try as they would to fumble around direct questions, when asked outright about things like diagnosis and behavior/thought concerns, it became very clear that the system is not working and they are no closer to anything. It's all been nothing but a risky guessing game and they absolutely lost at the expense of Nikki's emotional stability, who clearly let everyone know she does not know what is happening or how to stop it/control it.

Most parents are, I can relate, so mentally drained I can imagine most will submit to the lunacy of the current field of mental health. I refused and I refuse to allow it, and I'm not the first, thank gosh, and will be teaming up with those groups when all of this is over. And it won't be over until she is on a positive path to keeping control of this, over and above herself, undisrupted and empowered. I know she can do it. I hope she knows she can do it. The look in her eyes yesterday when she laughed with me insists that she does know she can do this.

Much as I never thought I'd feel this positive again about this situation, I can say without hesitation that I do feel very positive about it now. Still a piece of me feels nervous and unsure about how sincere the words were, as the only people writing anything down were the only people in the room who haven't said one thing and then said another in the company of others, so it still feels like there is conflict between a few of the agencies. One agency asked another 'can we get that in writing' in a very offensive tone, a definite sign of internal conflict, which I am sick and tired of dealing with as it is always at Nikki's expense and as a mother it enrages me that a system at the level we are at now still seems to be run just as shoddily as a free clinic in some 3rd world country. In fact, I'd say a free clinic in some 3rd world country probably has better interpersonal behaviors and a more caring, honest staff than some of the flapjacks I've met over the years. I'm all for bottom line of profit and keeping the stats good, but not at the expense of the agency's mission, and when you're in the mission of helping mental health patients, your first priority should be the patients themselves, then the financial aspects, because even the bottom line of profit and statistics will sink drastically if you let a patient downward spiral into their mental health issues.

It's more logical, profit-oriented and pro-statistic to do everything you can to prevent what you can and assist in every way possible to see to it the result is the one that works in favor of the patient AND the business/system. Letting Nikki down over and over again and expecting our family to help her with this is like expecting a family to treat their own burn victim with no experience or idea how to do it. We thought love and caring were capable of helping see her through this, and for many years it made a nice, comforting place for Nikki to land after each episode, but it has not helped at all with a problem that needs more medical attention than it has received. Just as you can not love away a burn victim's infected wounds and medical treatment is needed with that, same thing with mental health... it's gotta be a combo of both. And now the system has let it go for so long that more medical treatment is needed than would have been if this had been correctly diagnosed years and years ago. Like cancer, the earlier the diagnosis is made, the easier it is to treat, and the statistics go up in favor of recovery the sooner it is known what is wrong.

Back to housecleaning with me... socked-foot wooden-floor shuffling around and Windex, Murphy's oil soap and dust rags. A special hello to my buddy Randy, in Nebraska. Thank you for making me laugh and chuckle so much throughout this... you seriously kept my head on straight here. Kenny thanks you, too... he said he likes the idea of all of us meeting in Nebraska, but he does not approve of the corn cob idea as his Crohn's disease bans him from corn. :D

Great phonecalls today; found out the mental health arena has been circus-like for years, decades even. Insurance issues are only half the problem... It seems a boat-load of money is spent on funding specialty groups for home visits and over-paid titles for offices full of college graduates with good intentions but not much of a clue of how desperately needed more pro-active head/hands-on doctor-to-patient discussion and diagnosis is needed. And, on a bright note, it appears the wheels are already in motion to overhaul the mental health system and fix the many, many flaws within it. So although our family gets caught in this crossfire of system discourse and change, our family's struggle with trying to help a family member with a mental illness is nothing new and adds to the pile of reasons the changes in the system are needed. I guess in some small way that is comforting. Greatest of all were the phonecalls from Nikki.

Just finished up a meeting, Kenny and I were here for most of it together, and then KC and Winter came home and it was great to have them be seen in such happy, calm, unafraid moods. They showed their Halloween costumes and talked excitedly about our plans for decorations. I'd almost forgotten, in the midst of all the phonecalls and meetings, how fun the spooky season is for our family. The past few weeks almost ripped my usual playful mood from my head and heart, I have felt so serious and focused on all the issues and the headaches of trying to be an advocate, an insurance analyst, and at times even a lawyer during the course of what should not have been my fight to fight... I should have been just being Nikki's mom, but was forced into other areas that were far beyond my knowledge and expertise. Reading was the best way to arm myself, with knowledge, but the more I read the more angry and disheartened I became. Families are going through ten times more than we are with children's mental health issues, and my entire soul aches for them (and our family, too.) It was so great, yesterday, to hear somebody say "let me do that for you... your family has been through enough."

I've been reading Deborah Spungen's "And I Don't Want To Live This Life", and there are some frightening parallels to Nikki's condition. The hallucinations, the colick as a child, the paranoia, the 'look', the blind rages, and the inability to connect to the life around her/reality... It is such a frightening situation for all of us, but most of all for her, without doubt. It appears the Spungen family is one of those 'ten times worse' than our family's scenario, as it appears that Nancy had longer lasting, more frequent episodes along with the trouble of drug addiction and sexual issues, that I'm sure only make matters much harder to deal with and help resolve. Still, the things that are the same are strikingly so... the test scores most profoundly. High/superior in all areas except math. That really seems to be key to this type of mental disorder.

Nikki's father called today and we talked at length about the condition, which both he and his brother have, and he gave me tips on what might have worked for him growing up... He also is going to do his best to play a bigger role in Nikki's life, so that she may learn from his mistakes and ways to deal with the frustrations of being born so disconnected from oneself and those around you. He is very strong, I told him, so I have a lot of faith and hope in this whole thing working out ok in the end. I promised him that in years to come we would both one day see Nikki as an adult at a large family Thanksgiving meal, with all families present, with grandkids and spouses and laughter and memories, and we would look back on all this hard, hard work, both physical and emotional, and it would all be so very worth it. He agreed.

So for now we continue to forge ahead. The big meeting is tomorrow, which will be interesting and very well could be a defining moment in the course of Nikki's treatment. I feel confident that things will work out in her favor, but at the same time am prepared should they not. We've looked into other areas to bring her, mainly Boston, which has some of the best in the field of mental health. If need be I'd move up there for a few months with her; we are hoping it does not come to this. We are hoping the insurance and agency disputes will resolve amongst themselves and do what is best for Nikki without forcing our family to try to care for a mental condition we have no idea how to treat. It does not sound like it will come to that, but if it does... we are ready to do it. Anything to see Nikki through this, to get her in control of her thoughts and moods and entire being.

One day I'm going to laugh about all of this. One day it will just be a memory, a piece of time we talk about over tea and whisper 'that was a hard spot.' Day by day we keep hearing we are doing the right thing. Yesterday somebody said to me "keep up the good fight, Mrs. Camille." It's people like that guy who are keeping me going here. It's people like him and Kenny and Nebraska and RandyNebraska and Constance and even people no longer around who have said things that help me through this seriously fucked up time.

"The hung guy ravished my hot boy hole" can be rearranged to form the sentence "Boy, my hole hung, ravished, hot. The... guy." :points, faints:

http://www.craigslist.org/sby/m4m/42461503.html

Randy Nebraska says:
I have an idea for a loophole.
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I like loopholes, toss it at me (overhand, not underhand)
Nifty Nebraska says:
actually, underhand it to me, my equalibrium is off today
Nifty Nebraska says:
I lost balance walking down the hallway
Nifty Nebraska says:
and sheryl crow is an amazing woman
Nifty Nebraska says:
I let her voice hold me up
Nifty Nebraska says:
'and I'll no longer be, in your mind, the difficult kind, cuz babe... I've changed'
Nifty Nebraska says:
ok, I'm cutting and pasting this im as my 'blog post'
Randy Nebraska says:
Jebus Allah Booda.... get up to take a shit and come back to a novella
Nifty Nebraska says:
zoinkerooos!
Nifty Nebraska says:
lol
Nifty Nebraska says:
can I put that into my blog, too? (I haven't done it yet, I'm sorta surfing the news here)
Nifty Nebraska says:
Yikes... freaking Ivan, what a 'cane
Nifty Nebraska says:
what was your loophole idea?
Nifty Nebraska says:
I was gonna just cut and paste this entire text chat of ramble as my blog entry
Randy Nebraska says:
Oh yeah, I need to learn to read. This entire chat? Sure,
Randy Nebraska says:
why not
Nifty Nebraska says:
with permission from you, of course
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like anybody knows who Randy Nebraska is
Nifty Nebraska says:
and even if they did... so?
Nifty Nebraska says:
it's not like we're breaking laws here
Nifty Nebraska says:
two goofy nuts just breaking up the stress of life with a little Nebraska