I'm not sure what to make of textured ceiling paint. I'm thinking it probably looks nice on newly placed sheetrock... but on an existing ceiling and after nine hours of trying rollers, brushes, sponges and then eventually just using my hands and fingers to apply the stuff with, I have a ceiling above a small area of the kitchen and hallway that resemble the aftermath of a cottage-cheese food fight.

To top it off, I got a phonecall during the ceiling work, so the one break I took wasn't to get a drink and a snack, it was the phonecall, and it was one of the usual "let's have a meeting... " argument-eruptus. I'm so tired of meetings... I want actions, results, not 30 meetings before anybody actually does something to change the situation. I told them at the last meeting what I thought would be best: a diagnosis. A treatment plan started and monitored in a safe environment. I'm not sure how many times they need me to say what I think would work (getting a diagnosis and establishing a treatment plan in a safe environment) just so they can just tell me that what I'm asking for won't happen. It's almost as if the word 'diagnosis' has become a bad, bad word in the field of mental health. They'd rather wing it on trial and error, and shift blame and responsibility around. Meanwhile things just stagnate, in limbo, and the behaviors are still ocurring but now they just suggest it is because of the 'stress of the situation' (I pointed out that the behaviors happen even when no stress is present. The mental illness itself is responsible, and they need to diagnose what exactly it is...)

And I am waiting for a shoe to drop, because I know it's going to at some point. Not that I can name the shoe... but I know that although my buddy Mark was right about me being more concerned than they both are, the fact of the matter is that it is more than obvious that something has not happened in over a month... and I'm positive that is going to be brought up at this upcoming meeting, by either them or me, or worse, her. And I know how I feel about it and what my answer will be as to what I think about it... I think it sucks. I feel alone. I am angry. I have no idea what to do about it, either. Which only adds to the whole entire feeling of hopelessness and emptiness that no matter how hard I fight to stay on top of, no matter how hard I try to think positive, no matter how hard I try to think of ways to fix this... it not only remains broken, I see variables that are going to lead things going in the opposite direction than they should be. I see things getting more broken, weaker, shattered. I focus on painting the ceilings, doing paperwork, anything that actually makes a difference rather than worrying which solves nothing. But lately the worry has slipped inside corners of my mind and frightened me. Because I don't know how to fix the domino-effect this all seems to be having on various aspects of too many variables.

I'm working on changing my mindset from one of 'fix' to one of 'change the direction it is going towards', but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm suggesting to myself that I'm capable of something that I am not actually capable of with either situation. So I'm not sure what, if anything, to do.

Going on auto-pilot for a while. Not sure of what else I can do, so I gotta just function. Got enough auto-pilot stuff to do to last at least a good two months here.