If my brain were a computer it would look like this on my face:

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::::::::::SAFE MODE:::::::::::::
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I pressed three a few days ago. I'm tired, wiped out, zapped, maxed, ready to shut down and walk away. Obviously I can't just up and go, but the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place feels more like being between a bed of nails and a large machine of ever-pounding hammers. I think I've said "I don't know what to do" over four thousand times this week, both out loud and inside my own head. I hate that feeling. It leads to a feeling of run for your life. And without having the run as an option, what is there to do? Functioning while everything falls apart more and more seems like self-torture. Being an active part and seeing no results is the most frustrating aspect of all. But, as I already figured out long ago, I can't fix this. I doubt any of the clowns working on this can, actually. Barb brought up a good point... until I feel confident in the people helping us, I will not feel confident about things getting better, and without that confidence, I feel weak and helpless.

It doesn't help to see and hear of her decline, which although predictable more so this year than others, is still heartbreaking and devastating to watch. And I definitely feel the main people involved in this, all four of them, are not at all confident themselves in their own abilities. It feels as if the majority of them are just gliding on job titles and schooling degrees. I need people working with our family who are inspired, who are confident in themselves, who have a desire to genuinely fix things and who are really determined to see progress... within their own abilities and effect on making things work, NOT a focus on keeping their job titles intact or keeping statistics or proving their ability to shuffle paper... not that I think any of them are undeserving of their 'titles'. I am sure they all worked hard to get to where they are at... it' s just a shame to see all that hard work mean nothing more to any of them than to use it as a tool to see who is the best at passing the buck and sticking it to the other agency. The behavior displayed at this meeting pretty much summed up to me that I'm positive I do not feel a part of this *team* and, most importantly, I don't want to ever be a part of something this malfunctioning and non-working. I'm going to spend next Tuesday calling around to see what doctor(s) I can find in Boston who may be able to help. There's also 2 national numbers I got that I can call for referrals.

Kenny and I are at odds with all of it. He's pretty much had it... I know how he feels. This isn't the kind of life he wanted. It sure as hell isn't what I planned on, either. But he's right about one thing... most of the dilemmas and problems/chaos stem from my family. My mother, my brother, the fucked up genetics of my own choices, and I know I have been wishing for 'normal' for quite a long time, so I do know he's not being unreasonable to be pissed off that all of this keeps interfering with simple plans and daily life. If I could give Kenny just me, I would, but I can't, and never can. I've got Nikki and I have done my best to keep my mother out of our life, and even Billy, but you can't change reality and the reality of the situation is that things are going to take some work and time to sort out. None of this is going to just go away. I think my biggest fear is that things will get worse before they get better... I'm trying to keep the boys safe from that, as well as Nikki safe from that. Because of that, my only option seems to be to take myself out of the equation (not suicide, just out of the picture, away from things so that I am not the factor that puts the boys in harms' way with the mental illness and put her in a position of being forced back home to parents who can not help her, who do not have the abilities needed to help her.)

I am livid at the agencies for creating this much limbo in our family for fear of diagnosing her. I am hurt that these people are more concerned with their reputations with each other and their superiors than they are with their own personal knowledge that a child they are proclaiming to want to help is deteriorating before their eyes. I know it is getting harder and harder for any of them to deny it any longer. I'm thankful at least one person at that hospital had the gonads to acknowledge it to me, that it is obvious she's struggling and not exactly winning that struggle.

This weekend will be spent doing what is best for the boys. Some sunshine and parades, some leaf collecting and Halloween fun. I will safe mode into some baked chicken and mashed potatoes, a fire in the fireplace, and some fresh baked cupcakes. We will hike a nature trail, pick out pumpkins, and just be ok with being ok. Hopefully the phonecalls on Tuesday will put my mind in a stronger, more positive frame. If not, I can just safe mode it all winter. I really, at this point, don't have any idea of how else to do any of it.