February has always been a month of deep reflection for me, since 1993, when an event took place that changed the lives of many.
In light of all that has changed since my understanding has come full circle, the reflections and thoughts this year are bringing to focus some things I guess I still need time to think about.
My brother sent me the papers that grant his retrial. I think that's part of the reason this year's reflections have been a bit more intense.
As my brother's case goes to retrial, I'm stuck in intense guilt, because of a question my mother posed to me in late 1992. A question that my answer of "yes" impacted to the point that all these years later I can see the reprecussions. I'm still grappling with why she would have me, of all people, make this decision for her. I think I know why now, and I wrote the following to address it. I've a feeling she will be reading this, but even if she never does, I've got to get it out of my head to clear room for more growth and understanding:
it's been thirteen years
since the end of believing
lies for truth
the mental protection
no longer possible
in seconds that changed a lifetime
with words that even you could not stop
coming from out of your own mouth
"It was loving."
"Don't tell me that,"I said,
and then, after we hung up,
"She's done it again."
And within that moment
a part of me that I thought was so strong~the avoidance~
fell away like a long, silk curtain, soft and slow-motion,
vulnerable, almost no protection at all
when I thought I'd built it out of steel
indestructable and safe
I thought I'd denied the truth for you,
with you,
so carefully
to protect me, to protect you,
to protect my love for you
and,
I hoped,
your love for me
but I'm positive now
thirteen years later
that it wasn't love you had for me
but only because
you truly believe
I let you down
as a toddler, by dialing zero
as a teenager, by refusing to listen to all of your reasons and justifications
because when you tried to confide the truth
the truth I always knew
you saw that my love for you
was not unconditional
and had only been possible
because I had protected
myeself and my love for you
from the truth
"What if I told you I knew of a way,"
you asked me, only months before
February, 1993
And had I known you would use
the truth
when it's everything I'd been asking for
When it was all I'd ever wanted, yet already had
behind thin, silk sheets
to cripple me by putting such a choice in my hands,
without knowing what choice I was really making,
that the price for truth would be
taking responsibility for making that choice
and saying "yes, whatever it takes to help him."
You put it all on me, Mom, and you knew I'd hold myself accountable for it. You knew my own "yes" would break my heart years and years later, once I realized what you were offering and what I had agreed to. Just as you had used lies to hurt us all those years, the truth you could use to hurt us even more. The lies, as painful as they were, weren't even half as painful as the truth could and would be. And just as you'd somehow made each of us feel responsible for the lies, you'd also, in turn, make us each accountable for the truths, by giving us each choices in your disclosure.
What were your intentions? Was it out of love? Was it a sacrifice to you? Or was it at the expense of other people's love for you and sacrifices for you? Because you can not love, one can not lose or sacrifice a love they never had. You coast in chaos, and in doing what you did, you gave to yourself an ocean of chaos to last you a lifetime. And perhaps you thought you made it impossible for us to love you anymore.
You did push us away, which was to all of our benefit, and even to yours, and at first I thought perhaps you did that for us kids, but now I know it was for YOU, because you can remain, to yourself and those you lie to, a victim in the safety of your solitude, in the safety of nobody knowing any of your children, as your children hold your truths for you. Truths you can deny, without anyone there to speak up. When we were little, we could not. As adults, you've made it so that we also can not.
I can't be near your wake. I won't go in your ocean even with a sturdy boat and decent oars. I can't even be near your shore without my heart feeling strangled in tangled up seaweeds, my mind so angry I want to cry out "NO" through a conch shell right into your ear. But with that "yes" I said in 1992 came a closure of sorts. The end of the lies. Sorting out of the truth. But you got to sail away from it all, alone, and took with you the cargo of your lies, leaving us with the truth to handle.
In retrospect, I already knew the truth. It bothers me that I was not strong enough at that time to face it. I thought I was pretty strong, back then. All I did not have was you saying it out loud, making it concrete. You were so good at getting us to believe that it was 'natural' and that you were actually being 'nice' to us. And we wanted to believe that, because to not believe it would have destroyed our love for you and we'd all recognize how scared we were. How unsafe we were. How dangerous you were to us.
I am thankful you said it out loud, to my ears as a teenager, and then again in February, 1993. Even though I knew it would destroy everything between you and I.
And you knew that, too. So you had me make the choice in 1992. You knew somewhere inside me that I knew, so what you were really asking was "Will you save him and sacrifice your love for me for his life, who do you love more?" You hated me for my answer. You hated me for that "yes." You thought it meant I'd choose to save him at your own destruction, so you decided to try to make it my own destruction... you did not succeed.
You used that hate to do what you did, because you knew, in the end, that it was not you who would be sacrificing anything. It would be, once again, your own children who would make the sacrifices for you. Who would pay the price for your own 'sins'. Who would lose love, love they so wanted to feel, to give, to calm your broken mind with. You never let us. You couldn't even give that to us; our own love for you, in spite of it all, you couldn't even allow that.
Thirteen years later, I figured out, there wasn't anything between you and I but the lies and avoidance. There was love from me to you, but not from you to me. I even better understand why that was how it was for you. And my heart breaks for you, but my anger will take many years to get over fully. But I am getting there.
In many ways, although it was not your intention, you set me free to not hate you in spite of the truth. I know you'd rather I hate you, but I can't. Not anymore. You thought the truth would give to me the hate that lingered beneath it all, and in the beginning, it did. But as time went by and I got a clearer picture, a more rational heart, that hate subsided.
I stay on land, Mom, I stay on land. Much as I wanted to save you, save you because I wanted to love you, because I wanted you to love yourself, I stay on land.
Had I known that what you were offering to me
wasn't his life, but the truth I'd been ignoring
a final confrontation of all I'd been avoiding
Had I known the penalties you were about to charge me
For not understanding you when you thought sure
I would
For not approving the actions, when you thought if anybody out there in this world could,
it would be me
the whore you thought sure would say 'anything goes'
For not agreeing with you that there was nothing wrong with it
For looking away out the car window,
towards the bridge's rails
and fishing boats out on that choppy sea,
and saying to you then "no", and saying to you then "I disagree, mom," and saying to you then "stop, I can't, please, let's talk about something else."
Would I make the same choices? Would I still say yes, when you have forced me to
confront your truth as if it were mine to take responsiblity for?
Yes, I would. I would make the same choice, because I wasn't choosing his life over yours. I wasn't choosing my love for him over my love for you. I was choosing truth. Truth I knew I still was not ready to handle, truth I knew would hurt even more. Truth I had been avoiding because it was too frightening, too overwhelming, too much for my mind and heart to take. Truth that would destroy more than the lies already had destroyed. But that which got destroyed was another part of the facade... and it wasn't our facade, it was yours. What got destroyed had to be destroyed.
I am sorry I could not give to you the understanding you needed at that time. I'm sorry I could not justify all that you did to all of us. I'm sorry I could not see then what I see now... that the truth was always there, and had I just had the courage then to help you, had I just known all I know now to get you to recognize how serious things were, how negative an impact they were having not only on those around you, but you yourself. Had I only let you tell me the whole truth back then instead of changing the subject because I couldn't mentally handle it, perhaps you'd have finally made peace with your truths and sought out how to make ammends for them.
I harbor a lot of this in my heart's lighthouse. I know it's not mine to harbor, I don't own any of it, but I can't shake the belief that somehow I'm supposed to guide you to what you should be doing with your truth instead of making me and others deal with your truth for you. I can't do anything with it, any more than I already have, which was to come to peace with it, not as mine, but as your's... because it wasn't mine to begin with. No matter how much you tried to get me to cope with it, it's not mine to cope with. It was your choices, your actions, and even, Mom, your losses, but not as a victim.
As a criminal. You'll have to do your own time now. He can't for you anymore. I can't for you anymore. None of your children can or should. Not that some of us haven't been more than willing to try.
March, 1968 - February, 1993 - February 2006
p.s. No, Mom, the Moody Blues were not telling you it was ok to do what you did back in the early 70s... and Axl Rose was not the reincarnation of your ex boyfriend telling you to do what you did in the 1990's, either. When I think back to how many times you openly talked about musicians speaking to you personally through their lyrics, I wonder why it took me so long to see how mentally ill you were all those years and why I didn't put the pieces together sooner. I am sorry I wasn't capable at that time to figure this all out, but you'd given me too much to sort out and I was struggling with the ramifications of such a confusing mind as was yours and the beahviors/actions to come of that. I also just wanted to love you, in spite of how fucked up you were. In spite of what you did to us. But now I see the only way you are going to get help is if you confront your truths for yourself.
Please alert your therapist to the fact you believe musicians were/are writing songs to you, to justify the actions you take. You mentioned the last phonecall in 2004 that you've been listening to the My Immortal song/cd a lot... that chick did not write those songs to you, either. She is not talking about you and justifying your anger at what you consider to be a 'betrayal'.
I wish I'd figured this all out sooner. Please, mom, get help.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Started working at the office on a regular basis in January, and just realized I'd not written a blog post in a while. Things have been going so smoothly and calmly for such a good spread of time here, and project after project, at work and at home, means less time playing at the computer. I've spent most free time on the internet in political debates or reading the news... but most of my writing is currently being done at the computer, and is not being put online until I'm done. The family website is getting a major redo, some of which has already been done.
KC got an almost perfect report card... all A's and one B. He's determined to make high honors, and I think he'll actually do it at some point this year. Nikki did excellent on her report card as well, A's and B's for the most part, only gym seems to be a problem, which she said she did participate in but still got a low grade in.
Winter, though, the little guy is just clowning around in school lately. We put into place a new schedule for him, and also had a very short 'long talk' with him. Real bottom line talk, which he expected and even owned up to just goofing off in school before we even talked with him about it. He's been so good and respectful here at home, we told him all we want from him is to take his home behavior to the classroom, instead of treating the class as an audience to his one-man-comedy-show, which is disrespectful to the teacher, his classmates and his own education. Hopefully the little goofball will chill out with the silly and get a bit more serious. We pretty much can see, by the teacher's notes, that he's just got to tone it down a bit and be more aware of the expectations and rewards of learning with other students at his school. Might take a while for him to catch onto it, but eventually we're positive he'll succeed. When a teacher tells you your son is 'smart, clever and comical', you know he's got the potential to rise above and meet the demands. He's always been quite a handful, extremely hyper (gee... I dunno where he gets that from, hahaha.) But he's usually a well behaved little guy, and his grades have usually been great. Just a small bump in the road, he'll get by it.
A huge winter storm is heading our way for this weekend. Expect many pictures to be on my next blog post if this storm pans out to be as strong as they suspect it is going to be. With so many winter storms this year resulting in more rain than snow for our area, it's been a very easy shovel-season. This time, though, it's not looking likely that we'll get much of that mix... it's very cold out, and the storm coming is going to be heavy with wet. Wet + cold = snow, and lots of it.
And winds... keeping up with the fence in our backyard has been a hassle the past few years. We've put roughly 2k into reinforcing it, but each windstorm weakens whatever areas we've not strengthened or had redone. Sometimes I contemplate taking out the fence and just putting up a bunch of trees and bushes, but we enjoy the privacy (and so do the neighbors.) Plus, most of our neighbors have dogs. The fence keeps the poop out.
Finished up Billboard Sky and PTSD/hooker and the vet. Got another story to write for Nikki, thinking of only giving it to her to read as it's being written and putting it online when it's done.
Kenny's been playing Everquest lately, and he said it's one of the most addictive online games he's ever played. He's not much of an addict, though, as most days this week our other addiction, Scrabble, has gotten the most play. Mostly offline games, with my dad. We had the week off from work, so alternated days this week between Scrabble game marathons and eating lunch at DJ's and Captain Parker's, and on the other days doing home projects.
Kenny's newest "I want" items are: a bigger house and a Lexus. I'm working hard on talking him out of both. With me back at work on a steady basis, and financial aspects of our life going very well, I knew it wouldn't be long before big-priced ideas started getting tossed around. This house is great, and our vehicles have at least another 4 or 5 years in them. Hopefully the new guitar he got will keep him merry and the other ideas at bay.
Today Kenny is going to relax for the day (he's not feeling good, and KC also is sick with a flu of some sort, slight fever, home from school) and I'm going to do some basic housework. We're going to also get outside to get the snow shovels into the house, and to put yard items into safe areas so they don't get blown down the street or into other yards. Will charge up the cameras to take pictures, and make sure we have a good amount of rocksalt. Got on the weather channel, watching the snow amount totals rise each hour is interesting... this one could be the storm that actually gets it feeling like winter time here. We've been so lucky with above average temps, almost like early spring all season, really. Not much snow at all. A decent amount of snow would be kind of welcomed at this point, as the sleds and snowman kits haven't been used yet.
Off to start the morning cleanup ... :)
KC got an almost perfect report card... all A's and one B. He's determined to make high honors, and I think he'll actually do it at some point this year. Nikki did excellent on her report card as well, A's and B's for the most part, only gym seems to be a problem, which she said she did participate in but still got a low grade in.
Winter, though, the little guy is just clowning around in school lately. We put into place a new schedule for him, and also had a very short 'long talk' with him. Real bottom line talk, which he expected and even owned up to just goofing off in school before we even talked with him about it. He's been so good and respectful here at home, we told him all we want from him is to take his home behavior to the classroom, instead of treating the class as an audience to his one-man-comedy-show, which is disrespectful to the teacher, his classmates and his own education. Hopefully the little goofball will chill out with the silly and get a bit more serious. We pretty much can see, by the teacher's notes, that he's just got to tone it down a bit and be more aware of the expectations and rewards of learning with other students at his school. Might take a while for him to catch onto it, but eventually we're positive he'll succeed. When a teacher tells you your son is 'smart, clever and comical', you know he's got the potential to rise above and meet the demands. He's always been quite a handful, extremely hyper (gee... I dunno where he gets that from, hahaha.) But he's usually a well behaved little guy, and his grades have usually been great. Just a small bump in the road, he'll get by it.
A huge winter storm is heading our way for this weekend. Expect many pictures to be on my next blog post if this storm pans out to be as strong as they suspect it is going to be. With so many winter storms this year resulting in more rain than snow for our area, it's been a very easy shovel-season. This time, though, it's not looking likely that we'll get much of that mix... it's very cold out, and the storm coming is going to be heavy with wet. Wet + cold = snow, and lots of it.
And winds... keeping up with the fence in our backyard has been a hassle the past few years. We've put roughly 2k into reinforcing it, but each windstorm weakens whatever areas we've not strengthened or had redone. Sometimes I contemplate taking out the fence and just putting up a bunch of trees and bushes, but we enjoy the privacy (and so do the neighbors.) Plus, most of our neighbors have dogs. The fence keeps the poop out.
Finished up Billboard Sky and PTSD/hooker and the vet. Got another story to write for Nikki, thinking of only giving it to her to read as it's being written and putting it online when it's done.
Kenny's been playing Everquest lately, and he said it's one of the most addictive online games he's ever played. He's not much of an addict, though, as most days this week our other addiction, Scrabble, has gotten the most play. Mostly offline games, with my dad. We had the week off from work, so alternated days this week between Scrabble game marathons and eating lunch at DJ's and Captain Parker's, and on the other days doing home projects.
Kenny's newest "I want" items are: a bigger house and a Lexus. I'm working hard on talking him out of both. With me back at work on a steady basis, and financial aspects of our life going very well, I knew it wouldn't be long before big-priced ideas started getting tossed around. This house is great, and our vehicles have at least another 4 or 5 years in them. Hopefully the new guitar he got will keep him merry and the other ideas at bay.
Today Kenny is going to relax for the day (he's not feeling good, and KC also is sick with a flu of some sort, slight fever, home from school) and I'm going to do some basic housework. We're going to also get outside to get the snow shovels into the house, and to put yard items into safe areas so they don't get blown down the street or into other yards. Will charge up the cameras to take pictures, and make sure we have a good amount of rocksalt. Got on the weather channel, watching the snow amount totals rise each hour is interesting... this one could be the storm that actually gets it feeling like winter time here. We've been so lucky with above average temps, almost like early spring all season, really. Not much snow at all. A decent amount of snow would be kind of welcomed at this point, as the sleds and snowman kits haven't been used yet.
Off to start the morning cleanup ... :)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Those who know, know. The *other* story behind the recent ball dropping of Magellan from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Goodbye, 2005. Goodbye, Magellan.
story here
and here
The year 2006 starts off with what I can only describe as the ultimate justice and redemption for all the hard work this family has done to resolve an issue that began as a personal family crisis and, in late 2004, became extremely political. The justice and redemption came in an envelope. From Blue Cross Blue Shield.
I knew, vaguely, of the way politics and health services are intertwined, I just had none of the details. I had no idea how BADLY political things were, and how devastating and incompetent they were... most have witnessed similar with FEMA news coverage of how things are 'handled' with any crisis. We weren't just television witnesses... we had to experience it for ourselves, as a whole family unit. On numerous levels.
Had we recognized sooner the flags along the way warning us of what would take place in 2004-2005, perhaps a lot, if not all, of the struggles for our family and other families could have been avoided. Ah, hindsight, where you kick yourself in the ass for not confronting, more strongly and legally, things you knew were absolutely wrong.
In 1996, I easily could have embarked on a financially and legally rewarding journey, I just opted not to, as I'd rather just move on after any crisis. I'm also the type of person who believes suing hospitals or agencies isn't necessary, when written and verbal apologies will suffice. Now I see, quite clearly, that the written and verbal apologies did not stop the cycle of corruption and incompetence from continuing along, merrily, almost a decade after our first encounter with how hospitals, insurance companies and government agencies handle their mistakes, littered with hints of what was to come.
So, those who know, know. And our family is just ONE of many families in Massachusetts who know the *other* reason Magellan was dropped the pink slip. On the last day mail was delivered in 2005, a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield, alerting us to a change in the management of Behavioral Health services. Magellan, the former controller of the behavioral Service section of Blue Cross Blue Shield, stands to lose quite a few million dollars. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts (and Georgia) is taking back over the management of behavioral health services. What this means is that Magellan got canned. To that I say: GOOD CHOICE, BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!
I'd warned Magellan, from September of 2004 until January of 2005, that the decisions they were making with people's coverage was reflecting poorly on Magellan itself, as well as Blue Cross Blue Shield, and if even just half of the people wrongly shafted by Magellan were to sue, Blue Cross Blue Shield could stand to lose billions of dollars in lawsuits, as well as negative press/media, which could easily lose the company a few more million in potential subscribers who would shy away from a company going through questionable proceedings.
I guess Blue Cross Blue Shield heard me, and at least dozens of others from Massachusetts, loud and clear with my bi-weekly phonecalls, alerting them to how seriously illogical, potentially life-risking decisions were being made over at Magellan headquarters. The news items on this are saying it was solely a business decision; I won't argue that. I wouldn't want Magellan staff managing my cactus collection, never mind a part of a billion dollar business. Because that is what heath insurance is... a business. I have no problem with that. I know they don't cover everything. That was never my issue with Magellan. Here's what was...
It started with a choice by Magellan not to allow coverage for a family member's stay at a hospital because (and I'm quoting a Magellan staffer here) "we aren't sure if they are licensed." Not sure? I asked the guy I was talking to if he made a lot of decisions like that for a multi-billion dollar company, based on 'not sures'. That got his feathers all bent.
I told him he may want to reconsider making life-risking decisions on coverage for a hospital stay without finding out, for sure, if the place in question was licensed or not. I then pointed out to him the numerous other insurance policies that must have information he personally did not have or know, as each insurance policy covered the stays at the hospital in question.
I asked him exactly what steps would have to be taken to determine if the hospital were licensed or not, told him I'd do it for him if it was too complicated for him, and asked him exactly what was stopping him or any one else over at Magellan headquarters from making sure the choice they were making was one made on fact and not 'not sure'. Yes, I was being hard-core obnoxious at this point, and I know I was making him angry. I WAS ANGRIER. This wasn't my job on the line, this was a family member's wellbeing. Finding out a family member's wellbeing was being put at risk based on a 'not sure' pretty much put me in warrior mode.
He said they had tried but couldn't find out for sure. Again, just a 'not sure' was the sole reason for making this choice; it should be noted that in the past they HAD covered stays for subscribers to this same hospital. Then, abruptly, based on a 'not sure', they stopped. I asked how long ago the 'not sure' popped up for them and why it hadn't been resolved. I got hung up on (I had a lot of folks hanging up on me in late 2004- early 2005, when they couldn't answer questions honestly or when they knew I'd caught them in an outright lie. More on that in the near future.)
Making decisions on 'not sure'. Does this sound like the work of a competent business agency that is 'handling' a section of medical coverage for a company as big as Blue Cross Blue Shield?
After that Magellan staffer hung up on me, I called back, and asked to speak to his supervisor. I went right up the ladder, too. Not one of those I spoke with had a valid reason why the business decision was being made, and all agreed it needed to be looked into further. This didn't do JACK SQUAT to help us in our current situation, but a good friend of mine around this time had me reading hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy, so I just took to the motto "Don't panic." That motto helped. I figured the best thing to do was to deal with things as they were, without trying to force things to change 'right now', even though they technically could be changed 'right now' by any logical person over at Magellan (that was obviously one aspect of the problem... there WERE NO LOGICAL PEOPLE over at Magellan, at least none that I spoke with) and even though these things were so very wrong.
I then began alerting Blue Cross Blue Shield to this incredibly awful business decision made by the folks over at Magellan. Instead of looking at it as an emotional situation, which it was at the time, I knew the best way to get through to those in any business is to take the personal, emotional aspect right out of it and focus on how it will impact the business itself. Here's the ironic part; Blue Cross Blue Cross staff got compassionate and emotional about it. They agreed it was not a good way to make a decision. They were sympathetic to my frustrations with the whole experience.
Blue Cross Blue Shield staff were extremely concerned, more concerned than the folks over at Magellan were. BCBS also obviously recognized it as a failure of making sound business choices. It could potentially lead to lawsuits, which isn't in any company's best interest. Magellan, on the other hand, viewed it as something they 'probably should look into.' I have names and I have quotes, verbatim, written down. As I was skimming my notes before writing this post to my blog, notes written so long ago, it's funny how I look back on it now, today, and feel so vindicated for all Magellan put us through with this particular situation. It also relieves me to know I won't have to sue them to make a difference, as the difference has already been made: they got fired. I had planned to take them to court over their decision, probably in a civil suit, now I won't have to... happy 2006! That's one less entire agency or company and/or individual on my list of 'things to do' this year.
There were many other 'situations' to come, but this incident with Magellan was the starting gate to a very long and complicated race to do all we could to keep things safe and hope alive.
In the meantime, though, the hospital stay was not covered. This led to a chain of events that can only be described as bureaucracy lunacy. As we soon discovered, we weren't alone. Many families were going through the same, some with even harsher circumstances and rougher, longer roads than we were on. And in a lot of the cases, the roots of origin for the start of the worst possible course of direction started right at the point Magellan made a business decision based on 'not sure'.
When you get paid to do a job by a company that makes billions of dollars, a 'not sure' should immediately be investigated, all day if it has to be, for two days, a week, if it has to be, until that 'not sure' is a conclusive yes or no. Am I wrong for suggesting that? Am I being 'unreasonable' in suggesting that? Sure, I can be confrontational and pretty edgy when I'm up against the one thing in life that bothers me: illogical behavior in places of power. I don't mind illogical behavior when its effect isn't life-threatening. But when you work for and run management for a billion dollar company that literally oversees the wellbeing of PAYING SUBSCRIBERS for your services, you better make every decision by the book. You put the business at risk if you don't.
I had no problem with other things not covered, as long as I read, in black and white, that it was not covered. But a company should not be making any choices on the flimsy 'gee, I am not sure.' If you aren't sure, you bust your ass to get sure. It is not good business, and it could cost somebody their life. THAT is what bothered me. That is why I took the time and energy to make all my complaints by the book. That is why I confronted and investigated everything (and then some) until my eyes went dry. People's lives were at stake... I am both dismayed and overwhelmed by all I learned throughout my investigation. Inspired, but dismayed and overwhelmed. Having spent the past few months recouping, I am now ready to embark upon this year's journey and I can't think of a better way to start than with the news Magellan got a definite response to every 'not sure' they ever tossed out there.
Any decisions made based on 'not sure' should not be considered 'good business'. But apparently Magellan staff in Massachusetts have the audacity to have done just that to numerous clients. Now, they lose millions with losing some contracts with BCBS. And as BCBS will find next year, when they go over the statistics/costs of managing their own Behavioral Health care clients, in both Massachusetts and Georgia, perhaps Magellan will lose millions more in the states and areas they still have contracts with BCBS to manage. Because my guess is that BCBS will find that managing Behavioral Health services in conjunction with physical health services will lead to a more competent, safer, and beneficial outcome for BCBS as well as for subscribers (and doctors/agencies as well, who most likely will find it easier to deal with one company instead of two different ones.) Everyone stands to gain something positive from this impressive and strategic business move by Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Kudos to Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts and Georgia for making this long overdue business change.
To the staff of Magellan, I've only this to say: the decisions made based solely on 'not sures' perhaps led to you losing close to 100 million dollars. Make sure your business choices are more logical, from here on out. Don't let other families pay for your bad business choices, as your company now pays the price financially. Like I told you back in 2004, bad business choices would eventually cost you much more than you saved, and potentially could cost somebody their life.
I'm glad it was your financial profits rather than somebody's life. You were taking risks and making bad business choices. Let's hope you learned something from all of this. I know I did.
story here
and here
The year 2006 starts off with what I can only describe as the ultimate justice and redemption for all the hard work this family has done to resolve an issue that began as a personal family crisis and, in late 2004, became extremely political. The justice and redemption came in an envelope. From Blue Cross Blue Shield.
I knew, vaguely, of the way politics and health services are intertwined, I just had none of the details. I had no idea how BADLY political things were, and how devastating and incompetent they were... most have witnessed similar with FEMA news coverage of how things are 'handled' with any crisis. We weren't just television witnesses... we had to experience it for ourselves, as a whole family unit. On numerous levels.
Had we recognized sooner the flags along the way warning us of what would take place in 2004-2005, perhaps a lot, if not all, of the struggles for our family and other families could have been avoided. Ah, hindsight, where you kick yourself in the ass for not confronting, more strongly and legally, things you knew were absolutely wrong.
In 1996, I easily could have embarked on a financially and legally rewarding journey, I just opted not to, as I'd rather just move on after any crisis. I'm also the type of person who believes suing hospitals or agencies isn't necessary, when written and verbal apologies will suffice. Now I see, quite clearly, that the written and verbal apologies did not stop the cycle of corruption and incompetence from continuing along, merrily, almost a decade after our first encounter with how hospitals, insurance companies and government agencies handle their mistakes, littered with hints of what was to come.
So, those who know, know. And our family is just ONE of many families in Massachusetts who know the *other* reason Magellan was dropped the pink slip. On the last day mail was delivered in 2005, a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield, alerting us to a change in the management of Behavioral Health services. Magellan, the former controller of the behavioral Service section of Blue Cross Blue Shield, stands to lose quite a few million dollars. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts (and Georgia) is taking back over the management of behavioral health services. What this means is that Magellan got canned. To that I say: GOOD CHOICE, BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!
I'd warned Magellan, from September of 2004 until January of 2005, that the decisions they were making with people's coverage was reflecting poorly on Magellan itself, as well as Blue Cross Blue Shield, and if even just half of the people wrongly shafted by Magellan were to sue, Blue Cross Blue Shield could stand to lose billions of dollars in lawsuits, as well as negative press/media, which could easily lose the company a few more million in potential subscribers who would shy away from a company going through questionable proceedings.
I guess Blue Cross Blue Shield heard me, and at least dozens of others from Massachusetts, loud and clear with my bi-weekly phonecalls, alerting them to how seriously illogical, potentially life-risking decisions were being made over at Magellan headquarters. The news items on this are saying it was solely a business decision; I won't argue that. I wouldn't want Magellan staff managing my cactus collection, never mind a part of a billion dollar business. Because that is what heath insurance is... a business. I have no problem with that. I know they don't cover everything. That was never my issue with Magellan. Here's what was...
It started with a choice by Magellan not to allow coverage for a family member's stay at a hospital because (and I'm quoting a Magellan staffer here) "we aren't sure if they are licensed." Not sure? I asked the guy I was talking to if he made a lot of decisions like that for a multi-billion dollar company, based on 'not sures'. That got his feathers all bent.
I told him he may want to reconsider making life-risking decisions on coverage for a hospital stay without finding out, for sure, if the place in question was licensed or not. I then pointed out to him the numerous other insurance policies that must have information he personally did not have or know, as each insurance policy covered the stays at the hospital in question.
I asked him exactly what steps would have to be taken to determine if the hospital were licensed or not, told him I'd do it for him if it was too complicated for him, and asked him exactly what was stopping him or any one else over at Magellan headquarters from making sure the choice they were making was one made on fact and not 'not sure'. Yes, I was being hard-core obnoxious at this point, and I know I was making him angry. I WAS ANGRIER. This wasn't my job on the line, this was a family member's wellbeing. Finding out a family member's wellbeing was being put at risk based on a 'not sure' pretty much put me in warrior mode.
He said they had tried but couldn't find out for sure. Again, just a 'not sure' was the sole reason for making this choice; it should be noted that in the past they HAD covered stays for subscribers to this same hospital. Then, abruptly, based on a 'not sure', they stopped. I asked how long ago the 'not sure' popped up for them and why it hadn't been resolved. I got hung up on (I had a lot of folks hanging up on me in late 2004- early 2005, when they couldn't answer questions honestly or when they knew I'd caught them in an outright lie. More on that in the near future.)
Making decisions on 'not sure'. Does this sound like the work of a competent business agency that is 'handling' a section of medical coverage for a company as big as Blue Cross Blue Shield?
After that Magellan staffer hung up on me, I called back, and asked to speak to his supervisor. I went right up the ladder, too. Not one of those I spoke with had a valid reason why the business decision was being made, and all agreed it needed to be looked into further. This didn't do JACK SQUAT to help us in our current situation, but a good friend of mine around this time had me reading hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy, so I just took to the motto "Don't panic." That motto helped. I figured the best thing to do was to deal with things as they were, without trying to force things to change 'right now', even though they technically could be changed 'right now' by any logical person over at Magellan (that was obviously one aspect of the problem... there WERE NO LOGICAL PEOPLE over at Magellan, at least none that I spoke with) and even though these things were so very wrong.
I then began alerting Blue Cross Blue Shield to this incredibly awful business decision made by the folks over at Magellan. Instead of looking at it as an emotional situation, which it was at the time, I knew the best way to get through to those in any business is to take the personal, emotional aspect right out of it and focus on how it will impact the business itself. Here's the ironic part; Blue Cross Blue Cross staff got compassionate and emotional about it. They agreed it was not a good way to make a decision. They were sympathetic to my frustrations with the whole experience.
Blue Cross Blue Shield staff were extremely concerned, more concerned than the folks over at Magellan were. BCBS also obviously recognized it as a failure of making sound business choices. It could potentially lead to lawsuits, which isn't in any company's best interest. Magellan, on the other hand, viewed it as something they 'probably should look into.' I have names and I have quotes, verbatim, written down. As I was skimming my notes before writing this post to my blog, notes written so long ago, it's funny how I look back on it now, today, and feel so vindicated for all Magellan put us through with this particular situation. It also relieves me to know I won't have to sue them to make a difference, as the difference has already been made: they got fired. I had planned to take them to court over their decision, probably in a civil suit, now I won't have to... happy 2006! That's one less entire agency or company and/or individual on my list of 'things to do' this year.
There were many other 'situations' to come, but this incident with Magellan was the starting gate to a very long and complicated race to do all we could to keep things safe and hope alive.
In the meantime, though, the hospital stay was not covered. This led to a chain of events that can only be described as bureaucracy lunacy. As we soon discovered, we weren't alone. Many families were going through the same, some with even harsher circumstances and rougher, longer roads than we were on. And in a lot of the cases, the roots of origin for the start of the worst possible course of direction started right at the point Magellan made a business decision based on 'not sure'.
When you get paid to do a job by a company that makes billions of dollars, a 'not sure' should immediately be investigated, all day if it has to be, for two days, a week, if it has to be, until that 'not sure' is a conclusive yes or no. Am I wrong for suggesting that? Am I being 'unreasonable' in suggesting that? Sure, I can be confrontational and pretty edgy when I'm up against the one thing in life that bothers me: illogical behavior in places of power. I don't mind illogical behavior when its effect isn't life-threatening. But when you work for and run management for a billion dollar company that literally oversees the wellbeing of PAYING SUBSCRIBERS for your services, you better make every decision by the book. You put the business at risk if you don't.
I had no problem with other things not covered, as long as I read, in black and white, that it was not covered. But a company should not be making any choices on the flimsy 'gee, I am not sure.' If you aren't sure, you bust your ass to get sure. It is not good business, and it could cost somebody their life. THAT is what bothered me. That is why I took the time and energy to make all my complaints by the book. That is why I confronted and investigated everything (and then some) until my eyes went dry. People's lives were at stake... I am both dismayed and overwhelmed by all I learned throughout my investigation. Inspired, but dismayed and overwhelmed. Having spent the past few months recouping, I am now ready to embark upon this year's journey and I can't think of a better way to start than with the news Magellan got a definite response to every 'not sure' they ever tossed out there.
Any decisions made based on 'not sure' should not be considered 'good business'. But apparently Magellan staff in Massachusetts have the audacity to have done just that to numerous clients. Now, they lose millions with losing some contracts with BCBS. And as BCBS will find next year, when they go over the statistics/costs of managing their own Behavioral Health care clients, in both Massachusetts and Georgia, perhaps Magellan will lose millions more in the states and areas they still have contracts with BCBS to manage. Because my guess is that BCBS will find that managing Behavioral Health services in conjunction with physical health services will lead to a more competent, safer, and beneficial outcome for BCBS as well as for subscribers (and doctors/agencies as well, who most likely will find it easier to deal with one company instead of two different ones.) Everyone stands to gain something positive from this impressive and strategic business move by Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Kudos to Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts and Georgia for making this long overdue business change.
To the staff of Magellan, I've only this to say: the decisions made based solely on 'not sures' perhaps led to you losing close to 100 million dollars. Make sure your business choices are more logical, from here on out. Don't let other families pay for your bad business choices, as your company now pays the price financially. Like I told you back in 2004, bad business choices would eventually cost you much more than you saved, and potentially could cost somebody their life.
I'm glad it was your financial profits rather than somebody's life. You were taking risks and making bad business choices. Let's hope you learned something from all of this. I know I did.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Las Vegas, November 2005
Kenny and I spent November 14th through the 19th in Las Vegas. It was both of our first time there. It was, to put it bluntly, fanfuckingtastic. Kenny was attending work-related conferences and expos throughout the days, which is why we went on the trip in the first place. With his flight and hotel paid for, it seemed like a good idea to pay for my flight (no extra cost for my staying in his hotel room) and make the most of the nights Kenny had free.
Kenny's dad Ken Senior and step-mom Diana met up with us there, as did Marvin/boredlurker/Mark. It was the best group of people to spend time with in Vegas.
Kenny and I arrived late on a Monday night, and our hotel room was at the Wynn. This hotel is pretty new, and has the most incredible bathrooms. Glass showers and a deep, gorgeous bathtub nearby. The toilet is in its own private room, right off the shower/bath area. Double sinks with bunches of lights and even a vanity table area.
The view from the window in the sleeping area, which could be seen by pressing a button near the bed which drew the huge drapes as well as the sheer curtains, was so breathtaking that I often sat at the little table near the windows just to look outside.
One of the days, a maid knocked on the door and I guess she was wondering why I was sitting there with no tv or music on just looking out the window. I think she worried I was upset or something. I told her sometimes I just like to sit quietly, as with three kids it's not usually that quiet at home during the daytime. She totally understood then, and talked about her own kids. She also told me that in her many years working in Las Vegas that she had only gambled $20.00 total. She talked about walking to work, and how she liked her job, but sometimes found it a pain in the rump to spend all day doing a job she liked only to come home and have to clean there, too. We laughed about the never-ending dishes and laundry and daily chores of being a mom. She sounded like a single-mom, I didn't ask, though, but she had a far away look in her eyes when I told her about Kenny and why we both were here in Las Vegas. She said I was blessed to have such a great husband, and she said she could see in my face how much I was happy with him, and I guess I'd been looking out the window rambling on about Kenny for longer than I realized, because when I turned to look at her she was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to me go on and on. Or maybe she was suggesting something kinky, like me and her getting all frisky on the bed, but I don't think so.
We ate at so many different places, but the ones that stick out are the breakfast buffet at the Tropicana and a dinner buffet at The Sahara (I think it was at the Sahara.) The shows that we saw were fantastic; The Amazing Johnathan (although, having seen him before for much cheaper, I can say those tickets were obnoxiously over-priced at 60 bucks a head, as the show was pretty much the same as the numerous times we saw him in Rhode Island), Blue Man Group (I kissed Kenny during the party-wrap covering, which felt like it happened in a dream) and the lights at the Bellagio (free show every night, water, lights and music.) We took a gondola ride at the Venetian, saw an incredible show at the Tropicana called Air Play (also free, which is part of the Las Vegas appeal... there's so much to do, drink and eat for free!). That show, Air Play, keeps coming back to me in little daydreams, as a festive version of Viva Las Vegas played and some guy was spinning around this huge metal square piece. I keep seeing that part of the show in my head, on rewind-replay. I think it's because of the song itself and the way the crowd was clapping in unison... it was just a really fun moment for everybody there, and I like moments like that.
Mark and I spent a good portion of Wednesday tooling around in search of a cache with my gps unit. I was suprised how many geocachers have put caches in Vegas. We only had time to do the one we did, and we only had enough time to do it because we took a cab to do it in. With me behind the driver, gps unit held out the window, we told the driver where to go. Thankfully, this led to hearing the magic words you want to hear in Vegas "I never did something like this before,", which was said by the cab driver. I heard that phrase during me and Kenny's gondola ride when I offered to pay twenty bucks to the guy paddling our gondola around if he'd lean down and plant a kiss on Kenny's mouth while we were under the small bridge and inside the tunnel. I could tell by Kenny's face he was nervous the gondola guy was going to take me up on the offer, which of course had me laughing so hard inside I almost peed, but the gondola guy said "I've not been asked that before," paused and then said, "make it a hundred and we'll talk." Hahaha!
Mark and I, on our geocaching adventure, ended up at the University of Las Vegas. As we walked around aimlessly, my gps unit once again giving me false info about the location of the cache, which makes it really challenging and has sorta become part of the fun and 'drive-you-nuts' aspect of geocaching, a female student sat watching Mark and I and I noticed she hadn't turned any pages in the book she was reading for well over ten minutes. I suspected that perhaps she's the one who created the cache, so I just walked up to her and asked her if she knew the general area of where the cache was. She asked what we were looking for, and I explained geocaching to her, but as she then walked right up to the cache, Mark and I have since speculated that she very well could be the cache's owner. Or, maybe not... could be she was just a lucky muggle. :) Because we'd been walking for over half an hour prior to finally getting a cab, and walking all day before that, and walking around the campus for another half an hour, Mark and I sat on a curb and called a cab, which didn't work out so good as we accidently gave the cab company the wrong street. So, we walked up to a huge casino/hotel and just got a cab from there.
I had to meet Kenny back at the hotel because we had a work-dinner function to go to, which ended up being at this really fancy place with lots of silverware and thick cloth napkins and a bunch of different glasses and no prices on the menu. I embarrassed the hell out of myself afterwards, when I went outside for an after dinner smoke. Sitting on the edge of the curb, as I took my last drag from the cigarette, I saw a group of people walk out, most of whom I recognized from the dinner party. The two men in front, whom I didn't recognize but were walking out with our group, started to walk by me, so I rose up and said "Time to go, guys? Where to now?" and they said "Yeh, it's time to go, let's go!" and sounded semi-intoxicated and frisky. Looking over at Kenny and the group near the entrance to this place, I realized that the two guys in front of me were NOT a part of the dinner group, and I got beet red in the face and said "Oh, yikes, wrong group, sorry!" and quickly skipped over to Kenny and the fancy dinner gang. :smacks forehead:
We gambled quite a bit, mostly me during the days Kenny was the conventions, but not too much money, we didn't come home flat broke.
Here's some more pictures from the trip:
Here's a picture of me that Kenny took on one of the days we were walking around the Las Vegas strip...
Here's a picture of Mark taking a picture of me taking a picture of him:
Here's a picture of the hotel we stayed at:
We found out on the last day there that the conference is being held in Vegas again next year... odds are pretty high that I'll go with Kenny again. There's still so much to see and do, so many baseball card sized pornography to collect from the sidewalks and on bus stop booths. I also didn't get to see the shark at the aquarium, and we even had that on our list of 'gotta do'.
I guess that's why they call Vegas the Disney World for adults. You go there once, and before you even leave you're planning a trip back to it.
I give Vegas a 10/10 for everything it has to offer. People seem to really like their jobs, so customer service in every aspect and at every venue is high rate. All of the free things to do make it worth going just for that aspect. The casinos are all very clean and even if you don't win money, you have a great time blowing cash. It's exciting. And for people watchers, like me, it's one of the best cities to experience.
The oddest thing I saw, though, wasn't something during people watching. As I was walking down to the Sahara one of the days, I came across a banana, fully ripened, and unpeeled, sitting on top of a shrubbery in front of a fence where construction was going on. I've often thought about that banana, too. Who put it there, and why?
It was a perfect banana, no brown lines or bruising, a nice yellow. And there it sat, on a pine-type bush that hadn't much been tended to during the construction of some huge building behind it. It looked so out of place, but reminded me of all the breakfast buffets. Here's the stories I came up with for the banana... somebody was at a breakfast buffet. They put a banana in their pocket for later on in the day. Later, while walking the strip, they began to feel guilty for taking a banana from a breakfast buffet, planning to eat the banana as a snack before lunch. So, instead of carrying around that guilty banana, they layed it on the bush, to get rid of it and their guilt.
Or, maybe it wasn't like that... maybe somebody got nervous that the banana was in the shape of a gun and that they'd be rushed by security when entering a casino. They put the banana in the bush so as not to arrouse any terrorist warnings.
Or, maybe somebody had been getting approached every day on the strip by the homeless people who ask for money for food. So maybe every day they were in Vegas they took a banana from their hotel's breakfast tray and put it out on the bush for a hungry homeless person.
I'll most likely never find out what really happened with that banana... but my life has led me to be ok with not knowing for sure about some things. I know all my ideas about the banana might be wrong, but I like to try to figure stuff out. Even if I didn't like trying to figure stuff out, my mind would just run with things like bananas on shrubbery anyways. So, that's just the way it is, inside my head. :)
On a final note, we did get to eat at In and Out burger. It really does have the best hamburgers and french fries I've ever tasted, aside from my dad's backyard grill. I even got a paper hat from there.
It's snowing today in Cape Cod... and right now in Vegas, it's just 46 degrees and somewhat windy. I remember the gondola guy told us about it snowing in Vegas one year. It didn't last long... but was very pretty and nice when it happened. That's how our visit there felt. :) Viva Las Vegas, yep. Viva. Viva. Las Vegas.
Kenny and I spent November 14th through the 19th in Las Vegas. It was both of our first time there. It was, to put it bluntly, fanfuckingtastic. Kenny was attending work-related conferences and expos throughout the days, which is why we went on the trip in the first place. With his flight and hotel paid for, it seemed like a good idea to pay for my flight (no extra cost for my staying in his hotel room) and make the most of the nights Kenny had free.
Kenny's dad Ken Senior and step-mom Diana met up with us there, as did Marvin/boredlurker/Mark. It was the best group of people to spend time with in Vegas.
Kenny and I arrived late on a Monday night, and our hotel room was at the Wynn. This hotel is pretty new, and has the most incredible bathrooms. Glass showers and a deep, gorgeous bathtub nearby. The toilet is in its own private room, right off the shower/bath area. Double sinks with bunches of lights and even a vanity table area.
The view from the window in the sleeping area, which could be seen by pressing a button near the bed which drew the huge drapes as well as the sheer curtains, was so breathtaking that I often sat at the little table near the windows just to look outside.
One of the days, a maid knocked on the door and I guess she was wondering why I was sitting there with no tv or music on just looking out the window. I think she worried I was upset or something. I told her sometimes I just like to sit quietly, as with three kids it's not usually that quiet at home during the daytime. She totally understood then, and talked about her own kids. She also told me that in her many years working in Las Vegas that she had only gambled $20.00 total. She talked about walking to work, and how she liked her job, but sometimes found it a pain in the rump to spend all day doing a job she liked only to come home and have to clean there, too. We laughed about the never-ending dishes and laundry and daily chores of being a mom. She sounded like a single-mom, I didn't ask, though, but she had a far away look in her eyes when I told her about Kenny and why we both were here in Las Vegas. She said I was blessed to have such a great husband, and she said she could see in my face how much I was happy with him, and I guess I'd been looking out the window rambling on about Kenny for longer than I realized, because when I turned to look at her she was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to me go on and on. Or maybe she was suggesting something kinky, like me and her getting all frisky on the bed, but I don't think so.
We ate at so many different places, but the ones that stick out are the breakfast buffet at the Tropicana and a dinner buffet at The Sahara (I think it was at the Sahara.) The shows that we saw were fantastic; The Amazing Johnathan (although, having seen him before for much cheaper, I can say those tickets were obnoxiously over-priced at 60 bucks a head, as the show was pretty much the same as the numerous times we saw him in Rhode Island), Blue Man Group (I kissed Kenny during the party-wrap covering, which felt like it happened in a dream) and the lights at the Bellagio (free show every night, water, lights and music.) We took a gondola ride at the Venetian, saw an incredible show at the Tropicana called Air Play (also free, which is part of the Las Vegas appeal... there's so much to do, drink and eat for free!). That show, Air Play, keeps coming back to me in little daydreams, as a festive version of Viva Las Vegas played and some guy was spinning around this huge metal square piece. I keep seeing that part of the show in my head, on rewind-replay. I think it's because of the song itself and the way the crowd was clapping in unison... it was just a really fun moment for everybody there, and I like moments like that.
Mark and I spent a good portion of Wednesday tooling around in search of a cache with my gps unit. I was suprised how many geocachers have put caches in Vegas. We only had time to do the one we did, and we only had enough time to do it because we took a cab to do it in. With me behind the driver, gps unit held out the window, we told the driver where to go. Thankfully, this led to hearing the magic words you want to hear in Vegas "I never did something like this before,", which was said by the cab driver. I heard that phrase during me and Kenny's gondola ride when I offered to pay twenty bucks to the guy paddling our gondola around if he'd lean down and plant a kiss on Kenny's mouth while we were under the small bridge and inside the tunnel. I could tell by Kenny's face he was nervous the gondola guy was going to take me up on the offer, which of course had me laughing so hard inside I almost peed, but the gondola guy said "I've not been asked that before," paused and then said, "make it a hundred and we'll talk." Hahaha!
Mark and I, on our geocaching adventure, ended up at the University of Las Vegas. As we walked around aimlessly, my gps unit once again giving me false info about the location of the cache, which makes it really challenging and has sorta become part of the fun and 'drive-you-nuts' aspect of geocaching, a female student sat watching Mark and I and I noticed she hadn't turned any pages in the book she was reading for well over ten minutes. I suspected that perhaps she's the one who created the cache, so I just walked up to her and asked her if she knew the general area of where the cache was. She asked what we were looking for, and I explained geocaching to her, but as she then walked right up to the cache, Mark and I have since speculated that she very well could be the cache's owner. Or, maybe not... could be she was just a lucky muggle. :) Because we'd been walking for over half an hour prior to finally getting a cab, and walking all day before that, and walking around the campus for another half an hour, Mark and I sat on a curb and called a cab, which didn't work out so good as we accidently gave the cab company the wrong street. So, we walked up to a huge casino/hotel and just got a cab from there.
I had to meet Kenny back at the hotel because we had a work-dinner function to go to, which ended up being at this really fancy place with lots of silverware and thick cloth napkins and a bunch of different glasses and no prices on the menu. I embarrassed the hell out of myself afterwards, when I went outside for an after dinner smoke. Sitting on the edge of the curb, as I took my last drag from the cigarette, I saw a group of people walk out, most of whom I recognized from the dinner party. The two men in front, whom I didn't recognize but were walking out with our group, started to walk by me, so I rose up and said "Time to go, guys? Where to now?" and they said "Yeh, it's time to go, let's go!" and sounded semi-intoxicated and frisky. Looking over at Kenny and the group near the entrance to this place, I realized that the two guys in front of me were NOT a part of the dinner group, and I got beet red in the face and said "Oh, yikes, wrong group, sorry!" and quickly skipped over to Kenny and the fancy dinner gang. :smacks forehead:
We gambled quite a bit, mostly me during the days Kenny was the conventions, but not too much money, we didn't come home flat broke.
Here's some more pictures from the trip:
Here's a picture of me that Kenny took on one of the days we were walking around the Las Vegas strip...
Here's a picture of Mark taking a picture of me taking a picture of him:
Here's a picture of the hotel we stayed at:
We found out on the last day there that the conference is being held in Vegas again next year... odds are pretty high that I'll go with Kenny again. There's still so much to see and do, so many baseball card sized pornography to collect from the sidewalks and on bus stop booths. I also didn't get to see the shark at the aquarium, and we even had that on our list of 'gotta do'.
I guess that's why they call Vegas the Disney World for adults. You go there once, and before you even leave you're planning a trip back to it.
I give Vegas a 10/10 for everything it has to offer. People seem to really like their jobs, so customer service in every aspect and at every venue is high rate. All of the free things to do make it worth going just for that aspect. The casinos are all very clean and even if you don't win money, you have a great time blowing cash. It's exciting. And for people watchers, like me, it's one of the best cities to experience.
The oddest thing I saw, though, wasn't something during people watching. As I was walking down to the Sahara one of the days, I came across a banana, fully ripened, and unpeeled, sitting on top of a shrubbery in front of a fence where construction was going on. I've often thought about that banana, too. Who put it there, and why?
It was a perfect banana, no brown lines or bruising, a nice yellow. And there it sat, on a pine-type bush that hadn't much been tended to during the construction of some huge building behind it. It looked so out of place, but reminded me of all the breakfast buffets. Here's the stories I came up with for the banana... somebody was at a breakfast buffet. They put a banana in their pocket for later on in the day. Later, while walking the strip, they began to feel guilty for taking a banana from a breakfast buffet, planning to eat the banana as a snack before lunch. So, instead of carrying around that guilty banana, they layed it on the bush, to get rid of it and their guilt.
Or, maybe it wasn't like that... maybe somebody got nervous that the banana was in the shape of a gun and that they'd be rushed by security when entering a casino. They put the banana in the bush so as not to arrouse any terrorist warnings.
Or, maybe somebody had been getting approached every day on the strip by the homeless people who ask for money for food. So maybe every day they were in Vegas they took a banana from their hotel's breakfast tray and put it out on the bush for a hungry homeless person.
I'll most likely never find out what really happened with that banana... but my life has led me to be ok with not knowing for sure about some things. I know all my ideas about the banana might be wrong, but I like to try to figure stuff out. Even if I didn't like trying to figure stuff out, my mind would just run with things like bananas on shrubbery anyways. So, that's just the way it is, inside my head. :)
On a final note, we did get to eat at In and Out burger. It really does have the best hamburgers and french fries I've ever tasted, aside from my dad's backyard grill. I even got a paper hat from there.
It's snowing today in Cape Cod... and right now in Vegas, it's just 46 degrees and somewhat windy. I remember the gondola guy told us about it snowing in Vegas one year. It didn't last long... but was very pretty and nice when it happened. That's how our visit there felt. :) Viva Las Vegas, yep. Viva. Viva. Las Vegas.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Today we're off to Las Vegas... pictures from the cell phone will be here. Other pictures will be put on here in a gigantic blog post once we get back. Feelin' calm and casual, ready and sparkly, happy and silly. :) Days and days of time to play, time to hang out with Kenny and Mom and Pops and Mark and goofy Las Vegas types we meet along the way. Going to see the Amazing Jonathan one of the nights, at the Sahara. Geocaching some caches I found located on the strip. An aquarium with a shark is on the list of plans as well. Mostly, though, walking around and checking out everything... EVERYTHING! :) Temps will be in the low 70s during the day, 50s or so at night. Suitcase has been packed since Saturday... I've been ready for a trip of this kind for years! Will miss the kids, longest we've been away from them, but I think the phone and computer laptop will help to bridge the miles and make it easy. Got a few things to finish up this morning before we leave later on today. It's a very pretty autumn morning... I'm going to walk around the yard and hug all the trees before I go, because I will kinda miss the pussy willow and the holly tree and the flaming red leafy bush out front. By the time we get back home, that red leafy bush most likely will have dropped all of its leaves on the front lawn.
I got an email from a band in Vegas... might go check them out, they play out at clubs a lot. Got a lot of information and ideas from people who have been to Vegas... my brother in law was super helpful last night, letting us know what to avoid, like Comp packages where they try to sell you timeshares for a 'few hours of your time' and in return give you tickets to shows and money for gambling, but there's all kinds of hitches in it, and the hours spent saying 'no' is upwards of four hours or more. Might be great for a couple actually considering a timeshare in Vegas, but if you're not, it's not worth the hassle.
When we get back home, we're taking the kids to see the Chicken Little movie, which they keep asking us when we can go, as well as a trip to the Museum of Natural History, which just got in two baby Diamondback Terrapins (turtles). The museum letter has a picture of these little guys, and they are so cute! I'm looking forward to that as much as I'm looking forward to Vegas! :)
I'm off to start the mornin' cleanup and to putter around the yard... :)
I got an email from a band in Vegas... might go check them out, they play out at clubs a lot. Got a lot of information and ideas from people who have been to Vegas... my brother in law was super helpful last night, letting us know what to avoid, like Comp packages where they try to sell you timeshares for a 'few hours of your time' and in return give you tickets to shows and money for gambling, but there's all kinds of hitches in it, and the hours spent saying 'no' is upwards of four hours or more. Might be great for a couple actually considering a timeshare in Vegas, but if you're not, it's not worth the hassle.
When we get back home, we're taking the kids to see the Chicken Little movie, which they keep asking us when we can go, as well as a trip to the Museum of Natural History, which just got in two baby Diamondback Terrapins (turtles). The museum letter has a picture of these little guys, and they are so cute! I'm looking forward to that as much as I'm looking forward to Vegas! :)
I'm off to start the mornin' cleanup and to putter around the yard... :)
Friday, November 04, 2005
I just re-read my previous post... I was feeling tired and out of it. No shock, I guess, that I did catch that flu and spent the past few days combatting it. Today I'm sore all over, and my head feels heavy, but I am up and showered and going to head out anyways. Won't shake hands, won't give hugs... I'm a walking virus. A walking virus with too much to do to be sick, but I think I can trick this sickness into thinking it's no match for the hyperactive chick-with-a-mission and work to do.
Even though this hyperactive chick-with-a-mission feels pretty dang un-hyper and in need of a nap at 7:45 a.m. ARGH! My right arm is killing me, too. My neck and upper back as well. Feels like something ran over me. This stinks, but I'd rather be sick this week than when we go to Vegas.
I also have a pimple on my chin that looks like Krakatoa! Speaking of which, we watched 'The Wave That Shook The World' last night, and it was awesome. If you want a good dvd to watch, this one is IT. Very informational and interesting. The kids loved it. Explained how and why the tsunami of 2004 happened, with an incredible timeline. Most of the footage I'd seen already online, but the scientific data was mindblowing. They watched the other dvd I got, too, Modern Marvels, The Cape Cod Canal, which my grandmother told me about some months ago. Both dvds can be ordered online; I suggest half.com for both, although I only found one of them on that site and had to order the other one from the main website for it. Worth the money, though.
Man, I wish I could stay home and just watch both dvds again. :/ Ah well... I'm going to take it a bit easy this weekend, even though both days have plans and things I gotta do, will make sure to hit bed early both tonight and tomorrow night.
Feelin' like poop stinks.
Even though this hyperactive chick-with-a-mission feels pretty dang un-hyper and in need of a nap at 7:45 a.m. ARGH! My right arm is killing me, too. My neck and upper back as well. Feels like something ran over me. This stinks, but I'd rather be sick this week than when we go to Vegas.
I also have a pimple on my chin that looks like Krakatoa! Speaking of which, we watched 'The Wave That Shook The World' last night, and it was awesome. If you want a good dvd to watch, this one is IT. Very informational and interesting. The kids loved it. Explained how and why the tsunami of 2004 happened, with an incredible timeline. Most of the footage I'd seen already online, but the scientific data was mindblowing. They watched the other dvd I got, too, Modern Marvels, The Cape Cod Canal, which my grandmother told me about some months ago. Both dvds can be ordered online; I suggest half.com for both, although I only found one of them on that site and had to order the other one from the main website for it. Worth the money, though.
Man, I wish I could stay home and just watch both dvds again. :/ Ah well... I'm going to take it a bit easy this weekend, even though both days have plans and things I gotta do, will make sure to hit bed early both tonight and tomorrow night.
Feelin' like poop stinks.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Placed fifth at the Scrabble tournament over the weekend. Kenny didn't do too well, but he was sick with some flu the whole time, and kept getting phonecalls from work. So many people I know have this cold/flu that is going around... some kind of sinus thing, really knocks you on your ass. Kenny was in bed at four p.m. yesterday afternoon, just watching movies and trying to rest off the illness. Chicken soup and grilled cheese, lots of liquids, and he's taking Tylenol for the fevers he got with it yesterday, as well as Nyquil. So far, nobody else in the house seems to be catching it, thank gosh! I've gone around each day with Lysol and given door knobs a quick spray. He seems to be feeling a little better today. Lasted about a week for him, some people have had a similiar virus for over 2 weeks, from what I've read in the news, so perhaps he just doesn't have the harsher strain going around.
Today I'm off to the office, a few stores, and then home to work on some paperwork and do a load of laundry. Feel a bit tired today, but I think it's because of the phonecall yesterday with the news that things have gotten a little bit out of sorts again. Hoping to see what I can do later on today to help things smooth out as much as possible. My brain is tired today, but my heart is wide awake. By this afternoon, hopefully I'll have thought up something to help the situation. Driving around always wakes up my mind.
We're heading to Las Vegas in under two weeks now... very, very, very happy and excited for the trip. Kenny's got work conferences during the day, but we'll have time to play throughout the visit. 4 days and 6 nights with Kenny in a place as interesting as Vegas is... hanging out with the inlaws while there, as they are flying up from Florida to meet us in Vegas. And... Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings and Marvin the Martian finally get to meet in person! :) After knowing somebody for 3 or 4 years, it's going to be amazing to be speaking with each other without the use of a keyboard or telephone. I love meeting people from online. Always have, always will. Brings alive the human element of out here... most call offline meetings 'irl', in real life, but it's my belief that everything out here is just a real as the person behind each monitor, and meeting people from online just solidifies my view of how alive cyberspace is with realness and life.
I'm going to toss on some makeup here and start my day... and down another cup of coffee to jog my head a bit more. Can't seem to get the gears going today ... will have to put on some music to help rev it up a bit.
almost forgot... had a great Halloween. We had a power outage for an hour, which made it all the more spooky. Kids got tons and tons of candy, and we ended up with a bunch more kids here than expected, but it went along very happily. I was pretty hot apple cider rummed up, in my goofy clown outfit. :)
Haven't had much time for online stuff lately, but in a few weeks things will get that winter-time calm atmosphere going and I'll have some days to catch up on my writing and playing. :)
So much more to write but gotta get going to get on with my day here...
Today I'm off to the office, a few stores, and then home to work on some paperwork and do a load of laundry. Feel a bit tired today, but I think it's because of the phonecall yesterday with the news that things have gotten a little bit out of sorts again. Hoping to see what I can do later on today to help things smooth out as much as possible. My brain is tired today, but my heart is wide awake. By this afternoon, hopefully I'll have thought up something to help the situation. Driving around always wakes up my mind.
We're heading to Las Vegas in under two weeks now... very, very, very happy and excited for the trip. Kenny's got work conferences during the day, but we'll have time to play throughout the visit. 4 days and 6 nights with Kenny in a place as interesting as Vegas is... hanging out with the inlaws while there, as they are flying up from Florida to meet us in Vegas. And... Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings and Marvin the Martian finally get to meet in person! :) After knowing somebody for 3 or 4 years, it's going to be amazing to be speaking with each other without the use of a keyboard or telephone. I love meeting people from online. Always have, always will. Brings alive the human element of out here... most call offline meetings 'irl', in real life, but it's my belief that everything out here is just a real as the person behind each monitor, and meeting people from online just solidifies my view of how alive cyberspace is with realness and life.
I'm going to toss on some makeup here and start my day... and down another cup of coffee to jog my head a bit more. Can't seem to get the gears going today ... will have to put on some music to help rev it up a bit.
almost forgot... had a great Halloween. We had a power outage for an hour, which made it all the more spooky. Kids got tons and tons of candy, and we ended up with a bunch more kids here than expected, but it went along very happily. I was pretty hot apple cider rummed up, in my goofy clown outfit. :)
Haven't had much time for online stuff lately, but in a few weeks things will get that winter-time calm atmosphere going and I'll have some days to catch up on my writing and playing. :)
So much more to write but gotta get going to get on with my day here...
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