Since my father's death in February of this year, there haven't been many moments where thinking about him and his great spirit for life didn't make me hurt in my heart so painfully for his loss of life and with a personal missing of him so much that it feels like I could die on the spot. My sadness for him, loss off his own life and my loss of him in my life have been equal in the heartache... that's been one of the worst parts of this. And I don't just miss him being in my life, I miss him being in anybody's life. Just being able to do his own thing in life. I get so angry when I think about him not being able to just.. be alive. My own words said to him come back to me "I feel like you got ripped off years of your life, dad." And his reply: "I did."

But maybe he still is doing his own thing, and is still in everybody's life, in inspiration and with honor, in his death? I'm really beginning to think that.

Yesterday, my father's spirit was with me all day, during the filming of a music video, and it was a peaceful, playful, wonderful remembering of him with no pain in my heart or mind at all. How this was achieved is probably going to sound whacky and surreal to some folks, but others, who know me and who knew my dad's love of independent film-making, will understand (although even they will view the result as whacky and surreal, too! hahaha...)

I've been trying to piece life back together, like a gigantic puzzle, with pieces of my life missing without my father here. I stopped doing so many things that I previously found joy in (cribbage tournaments, geocaching, Scrabble tournaments), and have found myself replacing those things in an attempt to revive my own spirit and build up strength so that at some point I can get back to doing the things I love to do. I don't know why it has taken so long... but I am getting stronger and with that strength a closeness to my father's spirit.

So a few days ago a good friend asks me if I'll be in his music video. He says he knows how busy I am, but if I can just dress up like Greta Garbo and run through the woods with a guy in a gorilla suit for a couple of hours while he films... as he types this out to me in text on instant-messenger, I'm not thinking 'how weird', as I've asked people to do nutty things myself for film, including my dad (who also said yes!)

I swear I heard my dad's voice saying "this is going to be fun, do this."

And then my friend asks me if I know of any woods where we can film, so, with my dad's voice putting in his own input, I type back in reply "there's woods behind my dad's house we can use."

And so, yesterday afternoon, after a Sunday dinner at the farm, and after helping my grandpa with a puzzle, and after a nice rocking-chair chat on the front porch with a kind family friend, I head to my dad's house for the film shoot.

My dad was there with us, having a grand ol' time... he loved this kind of thing. His house was once again filled with excitement and happiness and joy for life and living. And laughter. His electrical outlets charged up the video laptop camera, and we all ran around the woods behind his house and sat at his picnic table having a fantastic political debate and discussion for half an hour (because midway through filming, the battery died.)

I didn't miss my father yesterday, because he was right there with us! I explained this to my music-video creating friend, which led him to saying that he was going to dedicate the music video to my dad. Normally, that kind of thing makes me cry, when folks say stuff like that, but as my dad was with us, humbly just nodding his head and saying 'thank you', getting to be a part of the process of life even in death, I didn't cry at all... I felt so happy for my dad.

I hadn't hung out with my dad in so long, but yesterday it really felt like I did. I know technically I didn't, but it sure as heck feels in my mind and heart that yesterday was the day I last spent time with my father. I didn't see him aside from inside my own mind, in memory, it wasn't like I literally saw a ghost or anything, it was just hanging out with my dad, in spirit. Just making a music video with my dad, with me dressed like Greta Garbo, a guy in a gorilla suit, and the filming guy dressed up as a reporter. I haven't felt this at peace since December of 2006.

And I know now that it's possible to not have to miss my dad with a broken heart, as anytime I am doing things in life that he loves to do, too, he'll be right there with me. And it won't be sad, it will be great, because that's how I can spend time with my dad still, and how he can hang out with me, too! I think I'm going to go to the cribbage tournament this Wednesday. And geocaching with KC on Sunday, because we haven't gone yet this summer.

Here's the video... thank you, Danny, for helping me cope: