A bunch of random yappity yap. I've been feeling very 'inward' the past couple of weeks, mostly sorting out a bunch of news from family and friends. The sorting is mostly emotional, although I keep trying to push it into a more logical frame of mind, so as not to get too drained. But my attempts to do just that have only led to me realizing that the entire effect of it all is going to be mostly emotional. So, I've been quietly reflecting inward on the impacts... some things are rough to the heart, some are rough to the mind, but overall I got to a point a few days ago where I could feel my entire being switch into a different kinda gear with things... a simple acceptance.

Here's the list of things I've been thinking about, and dealing with emotionally:

1. I found out a good friend of mine passed away in January of this year. This has been the hardest one to deal with, as she and I were very close some years ago, and had even lived together for a while. To find out about her death in late July when she died in January was somewhat of a buffer, as I think attending her wake in January would have busted up my heart a lot worse than it got slammed upon hearing of her accidental overdose.

2. My brother got manipulated into some very screwed up stuff in prison, which I can't elaborate on because of the nature of it, for his protection as well as my own. Between his phonecalls and letters, I'm both angered and heartbroken, outraged and, most of all, not shocked at all, which makes me even more angry... I always knew the prison system was full of its own forms of corruption, but to know of it first hand and getting it validated to the point it now has been, the Libertarian in me is obviously one of the most effected parts of my being with this, second only to my concern for my brother as a sibling, as well as just as a person I happen to love and admire very much. He's literally one of those exceptions to the rule... he got put into prison for a crime he didn't commit, but pled guilty to in order to protect his accuser, and was granted a retrial last year (very hard to do) and after the appeal process will finally get the due process he was too afraid to go through at the time.

3. My son's cat went missing over a week ago. Most likely taken by coyotes. I checked shelters already. Spaz, the kitty, who most likely was pregnant at the time of her disappearance, is most likely not coming back home. My son is handling it better than I am. Both Kenny and I found out we both drive around the neighborhood when leaving for work and upon coming home, in search of Spazzy. I'm so crushed, because even though I considered Spaz Winter's kitty, my attachment to her was pretty huge. A very independent and slightly insane kitty, so daring and goofy. Constantly making us all laugh, she would climb up to the ceiling, using the big Scrabble rug we have mounted to the wall as her ladder, or the screen door, which still has little indentations in the screen mesh from when her body got a little bigger and heavier and her claws would pull down on the screen covering under the weight of her, as she dangled there looking at all of us with a look of "Look at me! I'm right up to the top! I bet you humans couldn't do this!" You couldn't walk into a room without Spazzy following you, to see what you were up to... I miss folding laundry while she carried away socks or attacked them for looking at her funny in their balled up formats. I miss the way Winter got her to come to him, by just tinkling a fork on a plate. Winter had used some of his birthday money, if not all of it, to buy Spazzy some expensive cans of gourmet cat food, along with tons of kitty toys. I miss the way she was so cuddly... if you were sitting on the couch or laying on the bed, she'd usually saunter up and lay down next to you, content to just hang out with you. She never asked for the remote to change the channel, if you were watching tv. If you were reading a book, she'd help turn the pages (kinda... mostly, she would just attack the book, haha.)

4. I got two emails from two seperate family members only days apart from each other... family members I haven't seen in many years (re: decades.) I don't think either of them knew the other had emailed. My sister also heard from one of them. Although it's great to hear from them, the emails were positive in nature, at the same time, obviously, it just breaks my heart the amount of distance and uncomfortableness felt by so many members of my mother's side of the family. The way I see it, we all should just go forward with how we are all doing today, as the past and the reasons there are these vast chasms between all of us aren't the point anymore. We all know why contact has been limited and 'uncomfortable' to embark upon. I say we all just let go of the 'whys' and get on with the getting to know each other as the people we are, seperately from the person who created this confusing and painful set of circumstances that each of us has struggled with in some fashion or another. My mother unintentionally, I believe, through her own private struggles with a mental illness out of her own control, really tore this family apart. I don't blame her anymore, although in the past I surely did. I now recognize the situation for what it was... she was and is and probably will continue to be for the rest of her life a woman who has a severe condition that has resulted in her tearing everybody apart, as well as simultaneously pushing them away from herself. I don't think this was her 'fault', nor is she to blame for how bad things got, even when some, if not most, of the actions were directly her own actions... her actions were not within her control. It has taken many, many years to come to peace with all of it. I may never be able to love her again, as some of the actions stripped my heart and mind of the ability to do that, no matter if she was in control or not. But, I don't hate her. I don't wish bad upon her. That alone is important to healing. I still have a struggle sometimes with my anger about some of her actions, admittedly. I try my hardest to keep that in check, as I know my anger, although justified, is not the best way to handle the situation. If any emotion is important in all of this, it is the emotion of compassion. A hard one to feel when you're right smack-dab in the role of being not only a sister, but the person who is turned to by those who were hurt the most... mainly, my incarcerated brother. It's been an incredibly fucked up journey for this family, but as we make our way back to each other, through emails, phonecalls and letters, I think we're on the right track as a family as well as for each of us as individuals. It's my hope and desire to get a family reunion of all 5 siblings together, possibly next year. I don't think all 5 of us have been together in over 30 years. I know for sure that no picture exists of all 5 of us together. I'm hoping to change that. Not sure if everyone will agree to do it, but so far I've got the approval of 2, and just need to talk with the other 2. One of them, I'm pretty confident will say yes... I'm just not sure about one. As the only one I'm not sure about is the oldest, as well as the one who lives the furthest away, it will take a bit of effort, but I'm hoping that somehow we are all able to be reunited. I don't want to be the only sibling in contact with each of them... I want them to all know each other, because they are all incredible, fantastic people.

5. I'm reading Orwell's 1984, and also have been reading a lot (too much, probably) online and offline about the Palestine/Israel conflict. I probably should postpone reading of this nature for, oh, the year 2010 or 2020. I should be spending this year reading more 'escapism' type stuff instead, like the rest of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy my good buddy Mark gave to me to read. Some happy comedy type stuff... instead, I'm in the process of trying to sort out the facts and solve political conflicts... perhaps because sorting out the facts and solving conflicts has played such a huge role in my own life. The oddest thing with 1984 (in regards to the parrallels between Big Brother and the Patriot Act and other aspects of American government since 9/11) and the Palestine/Israel conflict is that it seems so much less complicated and easier to 'solve' than the discourse within my mother's entire family tree. Go figure.

6. I don't think I'm going to be able to quit smoking as soon as I want to and it's pissing me off. I'm such an addict to cigarettes. OWNED! I need to quit, because this smoking habit just isn't financially good, nor is it beneficial to members of this house (even though I only smoke in one room, it's not like the smoke understands boundries, it travels into every room.)

So, that's pretty much the scope of stuff on my mind and heart. All in all, life is actually going along pretty calmly and gently lately, outside of that list, which is all pretty inward, internal stuff, and not things that can be fixed or changed directly. It's been a great summer, we've done so much and had so many fantastic moments. Work has been awesome, I can't wait to go in more often come September, with the kids back to school. Kenny and I, as usual, are snuggle bugs and still all silly, mushy in love with each other, in our mixed-matched oddball way. The kids are doing excellent. The house is cozy. :) I don't feel 'stressed' by the list of six things, just mostly aware that those things are going on and the dealing with them will be an ongoing process... Eva Cassidy music helps. Here's an interesting sidenote... kinda sad in a way, but, well, the music itself makes up for the sadness.

About a week or so ago, I heard a beautiful rendition of Sting's 'Fields of Gold' sung by a woman on the radio in the van. Curious as to who sang it, I went to youtube.com when I got home and found out her name is Eva Cassidy. She's done lots of cover songs. I listened to a huge batch of them. Then I thought I'd google her website to find out when she was going on tour, and if she'd be around this area. Would be cool to go hang out with Kenny at some little club and hear this chick live, over a few rum and cokes and maybe a slow dance or two.

Well, she won't be on tour... she died. Ten years ago. "FUCK," I muttered. For a minute or two, the solace I'd found in Eva's voice and guitar playing was replaced with an angry feeling of "Damn it, can't anything happen this week that isn't sad?" I think it was that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, cuz I cried as I listened to Eva, who I now knew was dead of cancer, sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and "What a Beautiful World" over and over again, contemplating the past 2 weeks events and feeling the overwhelming sadness of all that was lost, all that had been taken. Not just from me... from all of us. I just allowed myself to sorta get really sad about it, instead of trying, as usual, to be a 'tough chick' and go through the rough times without letting them make me too sad, as if being sad is too 'girly'. Only allowing myself to get angry. As if being sad is too vulnerable a way to be... why I think this way sometimes makes no sense, obviously, because my vulnerability comes in the attempts not to let myself be too sad about things. So, I let myself get good and sad. I cried. I let myself be the biggest, most pussified chick you'd see sitting at her computer desk with tears streaming down her face while Eva hit those notes that go right inside you and hug pieces of you hurting so bad for yourself, for others, for just the entire world (yeh, I let my sadness go all the way to even the Israel and Palestine conflict.)

And I felt so much better after I did that. Stronger. Then, the next day, I put on Eva's tunes and they hit me in a different way... a sorta rebuilding of the strength. I just got thankful for her recording such great music. I dig the lyrics of the songs she selected to cover, they are very positive.

Here's the links to her tunes, on youtube, just in case anybody reading this needs a good cry or even if you don't, Eva Cassidy's music is something worth hearing, because of its perfection.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGE_Fd9B6-4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSUGe-tVaJ4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_MaoqaC708

So, we're off to New Beige today, to hit the Portuguese Feast, to see people we haven't seen in years, to hear the band Blue Oyster Cult, to drink Madeira wine and eat cacoila.

It's been a nice weekend... we didn't finish the deck yet, but probably will next weekend. All that is left to be done is the staining and waterproofing (although Kenny insists there's still a bit of sanding to be done... we'll see, looks ready to me!)

My little paper-wasp buddies are doing just fine. Nobody has gotten stung. Nobody will, cuz I read online this type of insect doesn't usually attack unless you are inches away from the nest (which was good news to read.) There's no way anybody could get inches away from the location, because of how high up it is. They are born big, just as I suspected. I was worried about them on some hot days last week, but they all survived the intense heat.

One more Eva Cassidy youtube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW97ydJo1zo

The anger about her being dead is gone... I let myself get sad about that, too, and her powerful ability to calm and give solace through her voice returned, like a gift.

Thanks, Eva. I never knew ya, never will, but I'm so glad you left behind your music for this planet Earth, which could use more of the comforting peaceful waves of your tunes.