It's been about a week since I switched to non-menthol, and the one thing I've noticed is it's easier to cut back on smoking when you are smoking a brand that you don't like, but the cravings between cigarettes are stronger and harder to ignore. I have cut back about 3 cigarettes a day since the switch, but it's still taking more effort than it did last year. Last March I was 'ready to quit'... this year I am more determined but less ready. I'm going to be spending the next few weeks doing my best to focus on being ready to quit, something that has been missing from the mental-equation of this go around with cigarettes. I want to quit, but I don't have that firm stance of 'ready to do it.' Without that, I don't feel the confidence I felt last year when I actually achieved 250 + days of no smoking.

Last week was a busy but fantastic week. We won in court, which was no shock really, but as I sat here reflecting on the course of things from November until April, I did a little search online and found out we have a 2 year statute of limitations to press charges against those involved and so the plan is this: relax, enjoy the spring and summer, and then get into the legal aspect to rectify all that happened in September, in the hopes that those involved (and their superiors) will never, ever allow it to happen to another family. During the spring and summer, I will finish up a website that clearly outlines the chain of events (tenative date I will post the link: July 9th) along with links I found useful that resulted in our winning of our case. It's easy to win, of course, when the charges are unfounded and untrue. But, we've read stories from families going through similar who were so burnt out and bulldozed that they lost on technicalities... that is what we hope to prevent, by alerting as many as possible to the what-to-expects and the what-to-dos. It also helps when people start quitting their jobs left and right out of shame and guilt, and I plan to outline steps you can personally take that will lead to those involved bailing ship and prosecuting themselves in the process. The most important thing to do, however, is quite simple: document everything. This alone, I believe, was our strongest point, and I have to thank my dad for that most helpful bit of advice.

Also, sometimes the events can be so overwhelming you almost become consumed by it... give yourself mental breaks. Know it's ok to focus on the good things going on around you in the midst of such a crisis. I'm so glad we did all the things we did the past few months; going to Florida, taking the time and energy to go up to Boston as often as we did, enjoying the good moments and funny times we had throughout it all and in spite of such troubling injustice. Although at times it was so very hard not to get rip-roaring angry at the incompetence, remaining calm and refusing to let the anger overtake us worked in our favor.

So, here we are, back at square one in a way, but with a clearer understanding, a fantastic doctor for the chick, confidence and hope. It will be a long road to undo the damage done by misdiagnosis and a slew of improper overmedicating, but at least that is all beginning now and eventually it will lead to a positive conclusion. I'm still angry that we had to take the long route to get to here, but the way I see it, perhaps it all happened to us because we were meant to be aware of it on a more personal level. We're capable of doing something about it. While most would never talk about it because of the stigmas associated with every angle and aspect of the situation, we don't feel the shame and guilt the agencies involved bank on families feeling. The agencies have spent a good amount of money and time making sure society is unaware and biased towards those they target... but that is beginning to change dramatically, and it's only a matter of time now that things begin to change for the better for the innocent familes involved.

Kenny and I were talking about politics a few weeks ago, on a long drive we took together alone. We are so different, he and I, as I am extremely political and he is absolutely un-political. His view, which I believe is pretty standard for half of the voting population is this: The government is big and powerful, I just want to live my life, I'll pay my taxes and just hope that laws passed don't screw me over and I really don't care what happens in politics because I have enough to focus on at work and when I come home I just want to enjoy time with my family and friends.

I pointed out to him that politics are the reason we had to spend 5 months of our time, energy and resources proving something that we never should have had to prove (and something that was proven day ONE in court, when the judge asked those involved to drop the charges, but because of politics, these agencies have got even the judge's hands tied. These agencies have laws that make them unaccountable and that give them almost a veto-right in the court process.) Kenny agreed that the recent chain of events did open his eyes to the laws and how unjust things are, but now that everything is over, his stance is 'let us just move on now', whereas my stance is 'let us change it so that it doesn't continue on and get worse for others as time goes by.' I pointed out to him an incident that had happened over 8 years ago where had we taken the steps then to change the 'system', things may not have happened to us as they did in 2004. But Kenny's hope is that of 'let some group that is already trying to change it do it'. He does not see what a vital role we could play in getting things changed, as our case is one of the more obvious cases of system corruption. Actually, he does see it, he just doesn't want to give up any more time, energy and resources than we already have. I, on the other hand, see it as a political duty, as well as a personal and moral duty. It's become, to me, a responsibility that I must act upon because it's the right thing to do. He has told me he will support me in every way, because he does agree that things should change, but he just doesn't want to be as involved as I will be in the process of doing what I can to assist in the procedures to create change. It's my guess that most families that go through this have just moved on... the emotional exhaustion and then relief (as well as the known stigmas) must lead a lot of families to take on Kenny's viewpoints with it all. But the way I see it, if anyone should be feeling shame, guilt and responsibility for the situation, it is the agencies, not us and not any family who has been dragged through the mud by those proclaiming to 'want what is best' (we proved, hands down, that what happened was not what was for the best.)

We also talked about something brought up by the Terri Schiavo case. And we had an interesting discussion about ourselves and our children because of it. I asked Kenny "what would you want done if you were in the state that Terri was in?" And Kenny said "keep me plugged in." I told him I would not want to be kept plugged in... to which he responded "I would keep you plugged in anyways, because you never know what new scientific findings could bring you back." So, in spite of my verbal request, Kenny would just keep me alive, to which I responded "Ok, if it helps you feel better about things to have me kept alive, so be it, it's not as if I'd care at that point what you selected to do, but I just want you to know that if it ever got to the point it was too financially or emotionally draining, I would be thankful if you'd just unplug me and let me go, so that you could also move on." I made a mental note that if Kenny ended up like Terri, I'd have to keep him plugged in, and we then talked about the kids. If any of them ended up like Terri, I'd prefer to pull the plug. Kenny would want them kept plugged in... that's what made me realize what Mr. Schiavo had done. As soon as Kenny said he'd want the kids to remain plugged in, I said "so that is what we would do, then, keep them plugged in, no debate on it as when there's a disagreement about hope, the hope has to trump the unknown." Mr. Schiavo has no view into the future, he had no idea if at some point medical advances would one day bring Terri back... yet he selected to have what he deemed 'logic' trump the 'unknown'. Miracles happen, and I'm not just talking about religious miracles, but medical miracles, that defy all known 'logic'. While I personally would have selected to unplug Terri within a year of her brain damage, were I her husband and had she told me she would not want to live on life support, Mr. Schiavo waited 4 years before honoring Terri's request verbally and requesting a nursing home not treat an infection she had, and he took 8 years to honor Terri's request (if she did tell him what he says she told him) legally by filing with the courts to remove the life support. I'm postive Terri never said "should I ever need life support, wait four years before even requesting DNR and wait 8 years total before doing it legally with the courts, so that my family can suffer emotionally and financially throughout it all."

Although my views on life support are different than Terri's mom and dad's views are (I'd have pulled the plug years ago), I respected their rights to keep her alive, with hope and love. Just as I respect Kenny's views on it with our lives and our children's lives, and would honor his hopes, even though my views are completely different. I personally would not mind that Kenny kept me alive with hope, even though I'd rather have the plug pulled on me, and it's my guess that Terri also would have been able to respect her parents' hope for her. It's a shame that Terri had to die without a terminal illness. It's a shame that a personal decision was made by a man who forgot that no amount of logic trumps the unknown. No amount of logic erases the fact that miracles do happen. And no amount of logic trumps love and hope. It's extremely sad that Mr. Schiavo didn't honor Terri's request within a year of her being put on life support. Giving the family years and years of emotional ties and bonds that can not be cut by laws or logic was, in my opinion, the most callous thing a human being can do to another human being. I don't find his choices honorable... not to Terri and not to her family. And they weren't logical, either... logic would dictate he request what Terri told him she would want from day one, not four and eight years later.

I found a great article on reponsibility a few weeks ago, when I was thinking along the same train of thought and googled to see if anybody else out there had been thinking the same thing:
http://www.diac.com/~dgordon/blame_responsibility.html

This is a great piece, as it explains how the word 'responsibility' has become the same as 'blame'. Nobody wants to take responsibility anymore, mainly because it has stopped meaning 'power' and has taken on the same tone as 'blame'. I was going to write up something similar, but it's all pretty much covered in that piece. And much more concise than my piece would have been, hahaha. :)


I also wanted to write up a piece on how the internet is a good example of a self-governing entity, when so often I hear arguments against the Libertarian standpoint, yet the internet is a good example of how putting responsibility in the hands of each individual leads to empowerment and fantastic things. But I will have to write about that another time, as working on the website about the events that happened here will be taking up a good bulk of my time while the kids are in school. I just wanted to touch base on it, sort of as a reminder blog post to myself that at some point I'd like to focus on in a more detailed way.

Today I'm going to be reorganizing the chick's room for her (she asked me to help, but we just had such a busy weekend, and yesterday was beautiful outside and not a day to spend cleaning a room.) She's doing great, and I am so very proud of her... got a little bit of road to go, but we've got a map, determination and goals now. With spring here, it almost feels like the perfect season to begin a clearer and stronger future.