Most of the time I am pretty open about things going on in my life... at this time I have decided to wait until things are complete before I post about them. A positive conclusion is forseeable, and I plan to reveal all I have learned once I am at that point of resolution. When I do post about this period of my life, it will be from the point at which I have already accomplished that which needs to be done. The research I am working on reveals that I am not alone and it is my intent to make sure that others going through the same exact thing will one day have a place to go/call that helps them know they aren't alone either. There are already numerous groups working on the same thing, and once I figure out which one my help would best fit, I will link to it.

A constant in all of this: The truth always prevails. No matter how much people with negative intent try, once they begin lying and manipulating to hurt you, they will always lose. Because truth, unlike lies, has foundation. Truth is real and clear, lies are not.

Two Mondays ago, it was more than obvious that the truth is prevailing and it has given me strength to know I was not wrong to stand firm on doing what is best when those who claim to want to do what is best have done nothing but made things worse. With lies. With threats. With unbelievable disregard for the situation. And with documentation to prove just how imcompetent they have been, they've got nothing but their lies to lean upon, and their lies tilted and toppled right over, as lies will. My faith in truth prevailing was restored that day.

I will be naming names. I will be seeing this through. I will grow stronger for it, and will not be weakened by the attempt to beat down my spirit. Perhaps these kinds of coercsion and threats have worked on numerous others, but they will not work on me. I am not afraid, I am angered. I am not tired anymore, I am wide awake... awakened by the facts, awakened by the injustice, awakened by others letting me know this has been the way it has been going and nobody knows how to fix it or stop it... awakened by the only fear I do feel... the fear of what will happen if nobody ever steps up to the plate to say "hey, that was absolutely wrong." I can see how it works now (and why it hasn't worked in anyone's favor)... there's not an agency out there that doesn't realize how drained parents are when they are trying to get their kids help. That some agencies opt to use that exhaustion to bulldoze over the parent's rights and even the child's mental well-being is a disgrace, not only a disgrace within the 'system', but a disgrace that any individual in that kind of position would do so under the flimsy excuse of 'just doing my job'. You must, as a worker for any company, do what is best for the client first and THEN focus on your aspect of keeping stats, funding costs, and other elements within the expected limits. And it is never in any company's best interest to not allow what is absolutely, without a doubt, in the best interest of a client; and even more so if it is offered for free and within the boundries of the law.

Aside from all that, things are going relatively well here at home. The boys have been excited for the upcoming holiday gatherings and Christmas itself. I keep getting revised lists of gifts they'd like, as well as toy section inserts of newspapers with circled suggestions. We've been putting up the decorations the past few days and have decided to put the tree in the tv/family room this year. We'll be putting up a fake tree instead of a real one because we'll be leaving the day after Christmas to visit relatives in Florida, as well as to experience Disney parks. Initially we were going to hold off on the trip, but there's no doubt in my mind now that we all need a break and what better place to let your mind get tickled with colors, sounds and smells than Mickey Mouse land. The boys have bookmarked dozens of website pages to show all the rides they just have to go on... I'm mostly looking forward to seeing giraffes and zoos and all the cool aquariums.

We did a massive rearrangement of the family room on Saturday, the day before Kenny left for Texas to do a week of computer training for the new system being put in at work. The boys like the new setup down there and have hauled in all their Legos to claim all the flat surfaces for their Lego cities. With winter-type night temperatures here, it's way too chilly on the other side of the cellar to play with the Legos... brrrrrrrrrr.

Thinking of going to Edaville Railroad next week. I know KC will love the old car section, he keeps buying Matchbox replicas of the old fashioned designs and models. Speaking of KC, he outgrew his shoes again; 4th time this year. Thankfully there was a "buy one get one half off" sale, so we got Winter a pair of boots and we got KC new boots, sneakers and shoes... size 9. Mens. Ten years old and already in an adult size 9. He's now also a hair taller than me, but I'm pretty short at five foot two. He's most likely going to be bringing his keyboard to class in a few months to play songs for his class. He's still somewhat nervous about playing in front of people, but he's gotten better at it since he moved his equipment up to the main part of the house. He played a few songs the other day for a few neighborhood kids... I was so happy to see him working out his fears of playing music for people by testing it out on friends he has known for years. I think he mostly fears making mistakes, but even when he made a few while playing he just paused and said "whoops, I messed up, let me start that over..." and he just carried on playing. He's been teaching himself all the Zelda songs and Mario songs by ear, and can also play a few Savatage songs (old heavy metal band) and some newer keyboard heavy songs (Clocks, for one) and also has been doing some White Stripes. He's now been dabbling in writing some of his own songs and samples... but, being ten, most of his samples are belches, loud roars and, of course, fart noises. He'll have Winter laughing so hard until they are both almost crying from laughing so hard at some of the fart-tunes composed. I'll admit, and nobody that knows me will be shocked, that I have found it pretty damn funny myself... I noticed, though, that when KC is composing alone he is a far more serious writer/composer, and it's nice to sit here and listen to him play, figuring out his arrangements and replaying them until he gets a set of notes he likes hearing played consecutively. Then he'll piece it together with another set of notes he previously wrote, and in this way he is putting together some songs. Winter has been practicing his drums more and more, and I figure at some point they will team up and begin the band they keep talking about. The neighbor plays guitar and he and KC have already been talking about learning a song together. I'm interested to see how this all works out for them. :)

Have to get some house stuff done and make some phonecalls... also planning to catch up on all my writing hobbies this week, this blog being one of them. Figured I'd get this in while the boys are at school and the house is quiet... it's so quiet right now I can hear the little rocks on the bottom of the fish tank that the big black fish keeps lifting up and spitting out... I've got two big pans of fresh water getting to room-temp so I can clean the tank out later on. The water after about two weeks gets fish-poo-pee-residue-looking, so I like to clean out the filter as well as replace the water instead of using chemicals and other fish supply methods. The fish are doing great, they are getting HUGE. I might have to get a larger tank at some point.

A special hello to my buddy Marvin, the paranoid Android. I am Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. I'm writing this from the past which is now the future. A poem for you...

sometimes life gets so perflunky
so smoky, shackled and junky
but suffice it to say
that we're here to stay
in each other's lives, so faghey
picking up each others corners
of lips to smile, of dusty spirals
it's these chance spaceship life-savings that get us through...

this, and many poems to follow, might make you slightly regret suggesting I read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. ;) Douglas Adams RULES... :rockon:

today I have a list of things to do a mile long... I'll be doing my best to take pictures along the way...

www.mobog.com/irpac

It's a pretty day outside... warmer than usual for November. I'm looking forward to going to all the places I'm going today, seeing the people I'll be seeing, listening to some Kenny Wayne Shepherd on the highway drive... drinking tea, giving flowers, sharing smiles, clearing the head and cleaning a friend's computer that has a virus or two.

Feeling pretty strong today... thought sure I was going to start smoking again yesterday (quit back in March), but pulled through the craving by heading outside to do some walking and yard work. Also got inspiration from a forum I frequent when a poster who keeps tabs on those who quit smoking posted a thread that showed I'm only days away from the 250 mark. Couldn't light up after seeing that, goofy as it sounds.

Still feeling like driving to Nebraska or New Hampshire... most likely will feel that way for a while. But I know that it's one thing to feel something and another thing to do it... in my mind, Nebraska represents a safe-zone, and my mind is just overwhelmed with the situations here in this state and for now my mind gets soothed by the idea of another state, and it's usually Nebraska, and sometimes New Hampshire. Can't even take phonecalls from Billy anymore... tried taking a few, only to feel myself closer to packing up the car and heading west. I'm hoping Nikki will be ok until her appointment in January, and lately it feels all I can do is hope... and I think I have a hard time with 'just hoping'. I'm more action-oriented. You do this and that happens... I want to be able to do more for her than 'just hope', but that's the stage things are at right now. Things are in place, and they will either work or they won't. There's nothing left that I can do that would increase the odds or make things better. I've done all I can. Somehow I still feel I should be able to do something more, though, but I know that's just the instinct as a parent.

On an offbeat note... I'll always remember Arafat's death being on a Wednesday night, because the announcement cut right into CSI New York as a special report during the last ten minutes of the show... 10:50 p.m ., which is when all the pieces of the crime/drama come together and you find out who did what, when, where, how and why. It's my guess that episode will have a lot more people watching than usual when it's re-aired during the off season. There was something about Arafat they mentioned that got my curiousity going... his comment about an olive branch in one hand and a weapon in the other.. I will be researching and reading up on him and his life at some point when I have time. I only know the basics, but now want to know more about him. I know he was considered a rebel of sorts, but I'm wondering now... rebel with a cause? Or rebel without a clue? He's got such a contagious smile, with his sunglasses on, like Snoopy as Joe Cool.

note to RiN: :O) :rocks: :huh: have a good one and let me know how things went at the school with K.

i am very, very, very tired.

For the very first time in my life, yep, I voted. For Badnarik. I tried to mobog it but that site is having technical difficulties.

It was held at a church. I'm agnostic. The sky was a pale autumn blue, and the steeple of the church looked amazing against that backdrop. A large tree was delicately letting go of fall leaves, one by one, in a musical pattern played by the ocean winds. There were CRAPLOADS of people there. Everyone was smiling. Everyone looked alert. I heard a lot of laughing and saw a lot of people talking politics and life after voting.

I voted at exactly 11:30 a.m.

I was the 943 person to vote at the church on 6A. The stats on my area can be found at this link and in the cut and pasted section I am putting in italics: http://www.sustaincapecod.org/SIR03/SocCivic.htm

The number of permanent Cape Cod residents aged 18 or older who were eligible to vote increased by approximately 20% between 1990 and 2000, from 147,375 in 1990 to 176,790 in 2000. The number who actually registered to vote increased by approximately 42%, from approximately 117,000 in 1990 to 166,007 in 2000.

Although voter eligibility and registration have risen, voter participation in town elections has decreased dramatically since 1990. While participation in individual town elections varies depending on local issues and races, the overall voting rate is plummeting. The average turnout in Barnstable County town elections in fell from 39.4% in 1990 to 22.2% in 2002 (Figure 1).

This trend is reflected in statewide elections as well. Barnstable County’s participation in statewide elections declined from 75% in 1994 to 64% in 2002, as seen in Figure 2. Across the Commonwealth, the voter turnout in statewide elections has also declined from 71% in 1990 to 56% in 2002.

However, there is one positive note to report: voter participation in Barnstable County exceeds the statewide average in these elections.


I have been a registered voter for many, many years. This was my first vote. I have never felt confident about any candidate before Badnarik. I feel confident I voted for the right person and I will sleep with a clear mind and heart tonight, having voted for the man I feel would best run this country, even though the odds are that he will not win.

And if you haven't voted yet... please consider the Libertarian party. www.lp.org

If you are stuck and can't decide between Bush and Kerry, consider voting for the Libertarian party so you can tell people tomorrow "I voted for the man that loves, understands and respects America the most."

Here's a picture of the voting ballot:
http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=145037

and here's the instructions taped to the wall in front of me:

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=145043