Here's the last photo taken of me and my 'surrogate' mom... she passed away yesterday morning. Peacefully, I've been told. This was taken on a day when her mind was having trouble focussing (boy, can I relate...) but in between the scattered thoughts, we had some moments of clarity. I let her know, many times since this photo was taken, that I would not be the woman I am had it not been for the woman she was. We were an odd mix - she was a hardcore Democrat leaning wonderwoman, and I was/am a hardcore ... well, I'm not sure there's a political term to describe what I think anymore. I only know what I think, and there's no longer a group that represents me.

But, as a mother, and as a woman, and as an avid lover of words... she and I, over the course of these past two decades, have left nothing undiscussed. She knew all my secrets (of which I don't have many) - she knew all of my worries and concerns, joys and happinesses, goals and theories. And I knew hers. She taught me, and I taught her. It was a kinship that her son, decades ago, knew would remain solid no matter the course of events that took place (her son had introduced us while he and I were dating.) Because of certain traits she and I both shared - mainly our organization and 'cleaning frenzies' - as well as our bold, loud-mouthed approach to stating our thoughts and opinions (hahaha... man, will I ever miss that about her.)

The past few years, it was her house that Mother's Day was at... and when my dad was alive, he'd come to the Mother's Day gathering as well (because in many *non-female* ways, my father was also a mom.) Those are going to be my favorite memories, I knew even at the time they were occuring, that those warm, spring afternoons spent together would be the ones that got me through the years they were no longer here on Earth...

I just never expected it to be so soon in life that I would be without both my mom and dad... they were the only two people on this planet that I confided in, as I knew the words, advice and wisdom they would offer me on life's road would be the most accurate, loving, kind and trustworthy. I also so very much enjoyed their company and hearing of their life stories, past and present.

And now they are both gone, hanging out together somewhere in the universe, watching us from a bird's eye vantage... in the quiet of a snowy day here in New Hampshire, filled with the shock and numbness that comes after the death of a loved one, I have this overall feeling of, strangely enough, calm. Sadness, too - but it's like she is all around me whispering "it's all okay, sweetie, it's all just a part of life."

When my father died, I at first felt this huge sense of being alone... but my father made it a point to let me know I wasn't *really* ever alone. It almost seems that with her there with him now, on the other side of life, I feel that 'not really alone' factor even more than I already did.

I was going to head to Massachusetts today, but with the snow and parts of our street losing electricity, I'm sticking around just in case I have to take the boys with me, should another power outage happen (we lost power for 3 days with the recent icestorm.) As my eyes keep filling up with tears, it's probably a good thing that I not be on the road for two and a half hours anyways.

What an interesting journey this all is.