Here's the last photo taken of me and my 'surrogate' mom... she passed away yesterday morning. Peacefully, I've been told. This was taken on a day when her mind was having trouble focussing (boy, can I relate...) but in between the scattered thoughts, we had some moments of clarity. I let her know, many times since this photo was taken, that I would not be the woman I am had it not been for the woman she was. We were an odd mix - she was a hardcore Democrat leaning wonderwoman, and I was/am a hardcore ... well, I'm not sure there's a political term to describe what I think anymore. I only know what I think, and there's no longer a group that represents me.

But, as a mother, and as a woman, and as an avid lover of words... she and I, over the course of these past two decades, have left nothing undiscussed. She knew all my secrets (of which I don't have many) - she knew all of my worries and concerns, joys and happinesses, goals and theories. And I knew hers. She taught me, and I taught her. It was a kinship that her son, decades ago, knew would remain solid no matter the course of events that took place (her son had introduced us while he and I were dating.) Because of certain traits she and I both shared - mainly our organization and 'cleaning frenzies' - as well as our bold, loud-mouthed approach to stating our thoughts and opinions (hahaha... man, will I ever miss that about her.)

The past few years, it was her house that Mother's Day was at... and when my dad was alive, he'd come to the Mother's Day gathering as well (because in many *non-female* ways, my father was also a mom.) Those are going to be my favorite memories, I knew even at the time they were occuring, that those warm, spring afternoons spent together would be the ones that got me through the years they were no longer here on Earth...

I just never expected it to be so soon in life that I would be without both my mom and dad... they were the only two people on this planet that I confided in, as I knew the words, advice and wisdom they would offer me on life's road would be the most accurate, loving, kind and trustworthy. I also so very much enjoyed their company and hearing of their life stories, past and present.

And now they are both gone, hanging out together somewhere in the universe, watching us from a bird's eye vantage... in the quiet of a snowy day here in New Hampshire, filled with the shock and numbness that comes after the death of a loved one, I have this overall feeling of, strangely enough, calm. Sadness, too - but it's like she is all around me whispering "it's all okay, sweetie, it's all just a part of life."

When my father died, I at first felt this huge sense of being alone... but my father made it a point to let me know I wasn't *really* ever alone. It almost seems that with her there with him now, on the other side of life, I feel that 'not really alone' factor even more than I already did.

I was going to head to Massachusetts today, but with the snow and parts of our street losing electricity, I'm sticking around just in case I have to take the boys with me, should another power outage happen (we lost power for 3 days with the recent icestorm.) As my eyes keep filling up with tears, it's probably a good thing that I not be on the road for two and a half hours anyways.

What an interesting journey this all is.

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More poetry from Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings:

What are you thinking, he asked
It's so fragile, she replied
What is, he inquired
Everything, she said and looked outside

The window of the vehicle
as they drove down Cape Cod roads
and he looked at big strong bridges
and thought of all her modes

It's a wonder it has lasted
but again, our time's so short
He knew of her reasonings and logic
but he gave her no retort

He only touched her hand
in inescapable agreement
she squeezed gently to acknowledge
she appreciated the appeasement

It wouldn't be until years later
as they heard of the new shore
that all they had then looked upon
was, as she said, no more

It's science, she had told him
not some spooky, creeped out gift
this universe is just silly
on a universal drift

He would walk with her to the edges
and watch her kneel down there and cry
and sure enough, just as she'd said
they most likely would survive

Though most have no way of knowing
she, in turn, just always had
she'd called it basic instinct
he called it 'possibly mad'

But now he knew for sure
although he rarely doubted, really
deep inside, he'd always known
what with her touchy feely

and her sudden bursts of genius
and her zany theories of man
and origins and galaxies
aliens, Iran

He touched upon her shoulders
It's so strong, he said, and paused
What is, she asked, and looked around
You are, he said, without understanding the laughter it would cause

I'm really not, she softly spoke
as some extra moons went by
I'm only here to observe, you know,
without really knowing why

There's times I think I think I know
and other times I don't
and times I think I maybe wish
the things I think just won't

And then there's times I want to sleep
because the tired is so thick
those are the times I awake at four
in the mornings, gone by so quick

When I said fragile, everything
I meant me, too, this is so brief
and full of moments, and full of love
but heavy, so heavy with grief

And in the end they got the start
she'd hoped the planet got
she'd written up the legacies
and secured a peaceful plot

With the crying done she then stood up
and got back on her feet
and hugged him for remaining there
upon her bumpy street

As now the future held its promise
of renewal and rebirth
and, as she'd suspected, and as she'd smiled
the meek did inherit the Earth

I've found that...

it's not unusual, on my street, in New Hampshire, to hear somebody fire up a chain saw at five thirty in the a.m.

that same sound, of a chain saw in the early a.m., would cause a lotta minds to wonder and worry, were it heard in, say, New Bedford, Massachusetts.

folks are trying so hard to figure out what is going wrong with their governments... but that is very hard to do in the complex, confusing and corrupt system that has evolved into a gigantic ball of goofy, unsustainable and falsely assumed 'responsibilities' that the government has taken on but absolutely can not handle.

that same government, when you get down to the nitty-gritty of its actual duties, as outlined in state and federal constitutions, is very concise, small and manageable in scope, size and responsibilities. It's not complex or confusing at all.


My dreams are back. I like how our minds work, and give us visuals as we sleep. Lately, since my father died, the dreams have been incredibly inspiring. Informative. Interesting. One dream, a week or two ago, I got to 'see' my dad again... I like when that happens. Makes it easier to cope with the loss of him here on Earth, in person. Dreams almost seem to be nature's way of helping us cope.

Those same dreams that inspire me also sometimes exhaust me - my brain is so tired!

I'm going through an obnoxious amount of printer ink lately... printing out all 50 state constitutions.

but... the price of that ink is money well spent. I learn so much per dollar of ink used.

:)

One of my favorite things about the day after Halloween is the sounds of Christmas music I like to put on from November 1st until early January... www.accuradio.com has a holiday section of music genres to choose from (under the 'more' button, accuholiday I think it's called) - I have an online buddy who also, like me, enjoys listening to Xmas music year 'round, now and then, sometimes even in the heat of summer (haha!) - there's something hopeful and peaceful about Xmas tunes... joyous and calming. I like doing paperwork or housework to music, and with the happy sounds of Xmas tunes jingling in the background, it just makes me feel like a little elf. :) That's my silly little random post for this great Monday.

Vote yes on Question 1, family and friends who are still in Massachusetts! Make it a really, really GREAT Xmas and New Year by voting to end wasteful spending by Beacon Hill - your government down there is so corrupt - there's so much to fix down there, but starting with ending the state income tax would be a positive first step, for sure.

Love to all of ya -

random random...

I just noticed today that although I do not have a framed picture of my mother in this home, although I do have a picture of my other mom framed and placed where I can greet her every morning, above my computer area, to the left of my father's framed photo (and the framed photo of Gene, along with his autograph and the Board of Selectmen minutes when Gene posed a question to them), are the silk flowers my mother gave me almost 2 decades ago. I guess I really have forgiven her.

Sometimes folks mistaken thoughts or questions or answers as arrogant, when they aren't meant that way at all, and even when the ego takes a gigantic risk at making statements, revealing thoughts or asking certain questions. The risk is being thought of as arrogant and/or crazy. Some folks, I've found, don't mind being considered either.

I think I might be the only person alive to have a play list that has Son of Man's 'Verse 1' followed up by Elliot Smith's 'Say Yes' and then the theme from the Love Boat. Nobody that knows me would think that was weird of me, although they would find it weird, in general. I know other people exist (in droves) who have the same goofy taste in music genres, though. I'm not alone on that, I've found!

One of my favorite things to do with my incarcerated brother is to have him call up and then have me search youtube for him for songs he's not heard in decades - we pretty much figure that his first 2 months out of prison will be spent as a 'youtube addict' :)

The calendar I have for 2008 is one of my favorites ever - the pictures on it are a great colletion of interesting artwork, like November's 'Self Potrait as Revealed by Trash' where Tim Gaudreau, who just happens to live in New Hampshire as I now do, took photos of his trash every day for a year.

Every day I feel more and more alive and excited and full of clarity about where things are going, future wise. I'm positive, though, that things are going to get worse, nationally and globally, prior to things getting much, much better. It almost seems to be a part of things getting better, like an aspect of an equation that has to happen before human beings can conclude anything logical and compassionate.

The one thing I am recently livid about is John Adamn's exclusion of the unalienable/inalienable right to one's own charity and/or good will towards mankind. I guess what bothers me most is I know it must have come to his mind that it was a write that should be established in his writing with the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, but I can't prove he knew - I only suspect it. If he'd done that, it would have clearly defined the one right that seperates as well as protects a Constitutional Republic from a Democracy (constitutional democracy or otherwise.) It is because of this conclusion I've come to that I am writing up a personal Constitution for myself that I intend to abide by personally. I know this sounds crazy. It probably sounds a little bit arrogant, too. It's not meant to be either, and I know a man who has spent decades with people thinking that about him, and he didn't mind either - and neither do I. Because I am positive that it's peaceful, I'm positive that it's logical and I am positive that I have no other choice but to abide by universal law, truth and my findings.

I have great pictures of the house that I hope to blog soon. :)